pretty best friends | jakehoon

26. wanna play hangman?

"It's not working" Jake said from his seat on the floor, watching Sunghoon try to open the door. Jake was about 2 minutes away from pulling every hair out of Sunghoon's scalp, developing a pounding headache at the sounds of the banging on the door. "What else am I supposed to do? I want to go home"

"No one comes down this hallway, just wait until Sunoo feels bad and lets us out."

Sunghoon sighed in annoyance, sitting on a desk across from Jake. An awkward silence filled the room, neither boy wanting to speak to the other.

The silence became unbearable at one point, Jake's anxiousness piling up from being in the same room as Sunghoon, wanting to ask so many questions but resisting. Instead, he stood up, wiping down the chalkboard and drawing a pair of crossed lines on it, Sunghoon watched him with confusion. "Wanna play hangman?" Jake finally asked.

Sunghoon stayed silent for a moment, so Jake turned towards the board, ready to erase it again. "What's hangman?" Sunghoon said before he could do so, making him stop.

"I just... think of a word and you have to guess letters until you get the word, every time you get a letter wrong I start to hang the man" Jake explained, looking back at Sunghoon. "Oh...okay, yeah"

Ignoring the awkwardness once again, Jake drew 9 lines on the board, the word BOOKS was written above it. "The category is books"

"Um, H?"

Jake drew an H on the incorrect side, then drew a head.

"I?"

Jake drew an I above the second line.

"R" Sunghoon said, "are you okay these days, by the way?" He finished, finally asking the question he had been trying not to. Jake paused, then drew an R above the fifth line. "Next letter" he only replied, turning to stare Sunghoon in the eye, expectantly.

Jake raised an eyebrow when Sunghoon didn't answer. "L" he finally said when he realized Jake wouldn't be answering him. Jake silently turned to the board, drawing an L on the incorrect side and giving the hanging head a body.

The round proceeded awkwardly, until Sunghoon finally guessed that the word was Divergent, the man only needing one leg before being completely hung. "Good job" Jake said, walking away from the board. It was clear they weren't going to be playing another round.

They sat in silence again, Jake tapping on the desk as Sunghoon stared at him silently, in deep thought. Eventually Jake sighed, "stop staring" he said, making Sunghoon's head snap in the opposite direction. Once again, it was quiet.

When it was unbearable to him, Sunghoon finally stood up and looked at Jake. "Can we just t-"

"Wanna play dominos?" Jake interrupted. Sunghoon followed his line of sight to see a box of dominos on the shelf. Jake didn't bother to listen to his answer as he walked towards the box, dusting it off and opening it. He sat on the floor cross legged and began to stand the dominos. Hesitantly, Sunghoon took off his uniform jacket (he was getting increasingly sweaty) and joined Jake.

They built wordlessly, but Sunghoon was tired of the silence. "Jake are you sure you're-"

"If you ask me one more thing you're gonna end up like the hangman." He said, slightly scaring Sunghoon because he really had no idea if he was serious or not.

"Why can't you just talk to me?"

"Because I don't want to"

"Why not?"

"I have nothing to say"

"You don't have to say anything, just listen" Sunghoon said. Jake sighed, continuing the build the dominos but not resisting. When Sunghoon realized Jake was listening, he finally spoke.

"I know that I hurt your feelings somehow. I didn't want that at all and I feel really, really bad. You're really important to me and I've liked you for as long as I can remember, and I really don't want whatever this is to get in the way of whatever we may or may not have. Please, I'm sorry." He said, his eyes staring desperately at the other. Jake didn't look at him, fearing he would melt under his gaze. Instead, he let out a laugh, confusing Sunghoon.

"I'm feeling a little gaslit right now" he said, laughing again, even though nothing was funny. Sunghoon was confused, "what?"

"Do you even know what you're apologizing for? Will you even change?" Jake asked, finally looking at him. His gaze soften for a second, so he turned back to the dominos. "I will not be put in a situation where I don't have the freedom to live the way I want to live, no matter how much I like you. So you don't get to say "I don't want to let this get between us" and just turn it all on me"

"I wasn't-"

"But you were, who's the one who let it get between us? Me. I did. I disagreed with you and ended things. But I refuse to let you convince me that it's my fault."

"I didn't mean to," Sunghoon said in shock, "I'm sorry, that whole thing came out wrong."

"But it didn't, Sunghoon, that's exactly what you wanted to say. Because even if you don't realize it, you just can't be wrong, you can't be the problem, you can't feel sorry or guilty. So you can say that you have no trust for me but still want to get into a relationship with me, but I'm not allowed to decide that I don't want that?"

"I told you that's how I am!"

"And I told you that's fine! But I don't want to be involved in it! If you find someone who can put up with it, I'm happy for you." He finished, but he didn't mean it, he still cared, he still liked Sunghoon, and it was taking everything in him not to go hug the sad looking boy right then and there.

"You're not a bad guy, you have--messed up morals or something-- and all of this is internalized, somehow. You barely realize it. But I'm sorry, I can't be there to clean up whatever emotional mess you have. I'm not strong enough for that, and I'm not confident enough in your feelings for me to handle that."

Sunghoon stayed silent, only staring at Jake who looked more sad and guilty rather than angry, which he definitely was before. Jake chuckled again, turning back to the dominos, "it's sad how this became the first time we really officially confessed to each other."

"I-"

"Please don't, you'll just ruin it even more"

And finally, as Sunghoon took a step back, he knocked down a domino. The duo watched as the long shape of dominos was knocked over one by one. Sunghoon had, quite poetically, ruined things. Again. Whether it was a relationship or dominos, it was his fault. And it hurt him like hell.

Before he even had a chance to speak again, the door busted open and Sunoo walked in, frantically chiming sorrys and saying how he had no idea the others were doing this. Jake glanced at himSunghoon for a moment, before walking out with Sunoo. Sunghoon was glad though, because he had no idea what he even would have said to him. To both parties, it looked like things were far from fixing.