𝙁𝙖𝙫𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙎𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙧

20

Qué será será; Whatever will be, will be. The future is not ours to see. Don't worry if it's supposed to happen, it will.

✮*•̩̩͙✧•̩̩͙*˚✧*˚　　˚*✧˚*•̩̩͙✧•̩̩͙*˚✮

I need a fucking cigarette.

Why is Ben here? Why won't he leave? Why is he everywhere I go? Why does he stick around like a fucking leach?

Why me?

Maybe I deserve this. Maybe this is karma finally making its way to me to get me back for every mistake I've made.

Maybe Ben being here is my karma.

Because everywhere I go, everywhere I see him, it's a constant reminder of the past. It's a constant reminder of who he is, what he does, what he did, and what I did.

And I don't understand why he won't take a hint either?

Does he know what he did? Does he know what I did? Does he want to shove it in my face and let everyone here know I'm a horrible person?

Because that's what it feels like.

"I'll be right back." I grab my bag and leave the lunchroom before they can even respond.

It's lunchtime on a Monday. The guys didn't bring up Ben or how I knew knew Ben and they didn't bring up Jay which I'm also grateful for.

But Ben being here and looking at me almost the entire lunch time is starting to bother me.

It's almost like a "I know what you did last summer" thing but it's different because I also know what he did last year.

I leave the building and head around the building to where no one usually is and pull out a cigarette.

I toss my bag to the side and slide down to sit against the wall, inhaling what brings me closer to death but I don't think about it because it comforts me.

I don't think anyone followed me out and I'm glad they didn't because today would have been one of the only times where I wouldn't have thrown it out or moved away.

Sometimes I think and I wonder, why am I here? Surely hell would be worse than being here, right? But I don't get to know that because I get to walk around, living a life I don't want to live.

And I feel almost greedy, or selfish because I get this life and he doesn't.

And I won't lie and say I don't run from my problems, because I do. And that's exactly what I did, it didn't get me very far and it also didn't last that long but that's what always happens.

Problems will always be problems until they're solved and your past is something you can't run from.

But I want to, a lot.

And I don't mean it in a way where I want to forget about everything in the past including Jay, I want to forget about everything that I caused to Jay.

I don't even know if any of this makes sense but it shouldn't matter because I don't make sense. The past doesn't make sense. The future doesn't make sense.