𝙁𝙖𝙫𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙎𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙧

28

Delassation; The state of being tired and fatigued.

✮*•̩̩͙✧•̩̩͙*˚✧*˚　　˚*✧˚*•̩̩͙✧•̩̩͙*˚✮

It's my birthday, and it's not a happy one.

I guess I'm more or so grateful my birthday falls on a Saturday so no one can really bother me, and if they choose to then I can simply ignore them.

I didn't use to hate my birthday, I kind of enjoyed it. More or so glad that I got to share it with someone. Then my choices ripped it away from me and this is the second birthday I hate.

It really never occurred to me that something could be ripped away from me so easily. I kind of just assumed he'd be here forever, always having my back.

And we shared birthdays, but not in a bad way where you're envious because the other is getting more attention, no, we shared and got an equal amount of attention.

But we never cared who was at our birthday parties or what gifts we got, we just always wanted each other there.

And now I don't have that. My birthday is just a cold gloomy day, a normal day, a day I wanted to forget.

But I can't do that when my mom knocks on my door and tries to get me to leave my bed. I feel selfish because she's up, she's taking care of me, and she's getting through it even though she's the one that lost a kid. Her kid.

I'm still here, moping around day by day regretting each day that goes by because I'm not getting through it, and I'm not over it. This day only reminds me of how much I'm still grieving.

I'm still losing.

And it makes me want to cry even more, because my mom doesn't deserve this and she doesn't deserve me. Hell, she lost a kid and her other one was slowly fading away. She couldn't do anything but watch me slip through her fingers like a distant memory.

It made me hate myself even more. That's why I didn't like my birthday. It made me think of everything that happened and how truly miserable I was.

My mom goes away, leaving me with my thoughts. She knows I don't really talk on this day, or move, or do anything. I just lay in bed and silently cry.

Except, this time I get up and head towards my closet and grab Jay's sweatshirt I took from his closet when I was in there awhile ago.

I slip it over my head and pull it down, falling to my mid thigh. I slowly make my way back over and crawl back under the sheets.

I know I told River that I only wanted to do something with just him and me, but now I don't want to do anything at all. I don't want him to come here and see me like this.

When did I become so miserable?

"Honey, River is downstairs, do you want him to come up here?" My mom asks, her voice slightly muffled through the door.

"Yeah." I choke out. Tears have already been flowing down my cheeks silently and my mom probably heard it in my voice but she didn't question it.

I hear her footsteps descend down the stairs before I hear another pair coming up.

I know I said I didn't want him to see me like this, but I know he won't judge. And I don't really want someone to talk to (yet), I just want someone to be here.