The Irwin Chronicles//lashton

What now...

Ashton's P.O.V

He's just drunk. He doesn't love me. But why would he say that he loves me? There's nothing to love about me. There's nothing to like about me. He's my band mate. My best friend. Now I want more? I want to cut so bad now, but I can't I have nothing to do it with.

He could never love you. 

"Got any more to drink?" I ask

"Not for you."

"Come on let's get drunk together and then eat a bunch." I whine trying to win my way. Being sort of manipulative. I need to get that bottle empty and hide it. 

"If you want to eat then you need to smoke." He says.    Drugs? I've never tried weed before

Weed will make you even fatter.

"I don't want to do drugs." I whisper

"Well, haha, fine let me get the bottle." He says as he gets up out of my bunk and walks over to his. He takes a bottle of vodka out from under the mattress and brings it over and hands it to me. I open it up and take a couple of gulps. My throat is burning now, but after a few minutes I start to feel giggly and happy. I put the lid back on and set the bottle down next to me. He crawls back into the bed with me. 

He lays down next to me and I roll over so I could be the little spoon. Once again our bodies are intertwined. 

He starts lightly stroking my bandages wrist.

Why are you letting him touch you?? he is pitying you. 

"I wish I could take your pain, I promise never to be mean like that again. I'm so sorry." He whispers to me.

"It's okay." I respond. I roll back over into his chest. He pushes away a few inches and pulls my hoodie up a little above my torso exposing my tummy and hips. I look disgusting. He moves his head down towards my hips and lightly kisses the scars. He runs his hand along them and light touches the biggest one.

"You are to perfect to do this to yourself." He says as he brings his head back up to level with mine. He looks into my eyes and takes his hand and strokes my face. He kisses my forehead.

"Turn back over baby." He says. Baby? This boy must be drunk out of his mind. I turn back over and he wraps his body around mind. His free hand is on my hip. Slowly rubbing up and down it. Brushing over the scars.

"Hungry yet?" He ask

"Yes." I response, for once I feel like eating. I take the vodka bottle and take a few more gulps.

Why did you say yes? Lie to him, you don't need it.

"Slow down, I'm sobering up haha, and I don't plan on drinking anymore." He says.

 He slides out of the bunk and helps me into his arms and carries me into the kitchen. 

He sets me down on the couch and pulls out a few bags of chips and then dip. He walks back over to me and sits down next to me.

 
He places the food in my lap and then his hand on my thigh. Lightly rubbing small circles on it.

"Go ahead baby, I'm not gonna judge you for eating." He slurs. His eyes are full of concern

He wants you fat so that he can make fun of you.

 I hesitantly open the bag and container and start eating. While he flips through the channels on the TV.

Feel guilt yet? You should vomit.

 I try I stand up and walk over to the fridge and put away the food. There's left over pizza. I grab a small slice and sit back down. I'm out of control, I have no control. My breathing starts to fasten, crap I'm panicking. Calm down, Calm down. I take another bite. This is so good, I cant help it. I turn around and see Luke staring at me.