The Irwin Chronicles//lashton

Duality

Ashton's P.O.V

I wake up and roll over. Luke's not there? My head is killing me. I slide out of my bunk and walk over to Luke's. He's sitting there on his phone. My head is killing me. I shouldn't have been drinking last night at all.

"Good morning!" I say

"Morning." He says coldly

I told you he was using you? Why don't you listen??

"Did I do something?" I ask

"You where really really drunk last night, an embarrassing level of drunk." He says

"What are you talking about? I don't really remember." I say

"You kept going in and out of conciseness. At one point you said something about not being ready and then I think you pissed yourself, you were a whole mess. Literally at one point I was on top of you trying to wake you up, I honestly think you shouldn't drink anymore. I finally got you into bed and you passed out cold, I think mixing the meds and alcohol wasn't the best decision and I'm sorry for whatever you where going through." He says as he turns to look at me with disgusting.

It didn't happen??? I was just intoxicated and dreamt the whole thing up?

Luke would never love you. He would never do those things to you. Your just loser who fantasizes about love.

Great. The voices have started for today.

"You kissed me last night?" I say. I remember it vividly, I hadn't been kissed in so long. I wasn't that drunk either.

"No I didn't? Man you must have been fucked up last night." He says back.

He regrets it. He's disgusted by you.

I walk back towards the bathroom. There must be something in there I can use. I turn back to lock the door and see luke standing there.

"Whatcha looking for?" He ask. Standing there with his arms crossed.

"Something to cut myself with." I blurt out not even realizing it. He immediately pulls me out of the bathroom and drags me into the kitchen.

"Sit." He commands.

I sit down on the couch and watch him open the freezer. He pulls out Ice cubes and brings them over to me and places them in my hands

"Squeeze these, and if the feeling doesn't stop then there's other options." He says as he sits next to me.

"Why do you want to cut right now?" He ask

"I'm embarrassed, about last night, I thought....never mind." I say as I squeeze the ice cubes.

"No tell me. What was going through your head last night?"

"I thought you kissed me and I'm just confused now." I say

"I did want to kiss you" He says back to me

"What?"

"You where drunk, I didn't want to do anything to stress you out" He says and he places his hand on my thigh.

"Why are you lying to me?" I stammer "I remember it all so vividly. Why are you making these lies up? Why are you being mean to me. It hurts." The tears in my eyes have started to cloud my vision.

"I'm not lying to you."  He says.

"YES YOU ARE!" I yell. I've had enough of his lies. "How come you are only nice to me when your drunk? When your sober you hate me? The voices in my head are screaming at me and I don't need you to do the same." By the end of this I was out of breath. I don't understand his mindset or whatever game he's playing with me.

He just is starting at me, blankly.

"Do you still feel like cutting? Be honest with me." He says. Ignoring my previous question.

"Yes." I say as I look away from him.

"Aight come on." He says as stands up.

I follow him back into the bathroom and he turns the shower on.

"Hop in." He says as he turns around

I take my clothes off and close the curtain. I hear him sit down on the toilet. I take the shampoo and start to lather it in my hair. Letting the dirt be washed off of me. I don't remember the last time I took a shower and actually got clean. I take the body wash and start rubbing it on me. I rinse off and grab the towel from the bar and wrap it around my waist. I pull the curtain back and step out, with him still staring at me, I quickly exit and head towards the bunk area to grab clothes from my suitcase. I pick up and clean sweatshirt and skinny jeans. I throw the clothes on and walk towards the front of the bus.

I know it's time for meds. I open the fridge and pull a salad out. I open it up and stick my fork in it. I put the first bite in my mouth. Guilt hits me. Hard. I don't want to gain weight.

You eating is why Luke acts like this. Your the problem.

I see Calum walk into the kitchen and it snaps me out of my headspace. He pulls my meds out of his pocket and places them in my hand. I grab a bottle of water and down them. I finish my food and sit down on the couch. 30 minutes. They set a timer and I have to sit here. So that I don't go throw up.

I want to cut. Why is this so hard? Why can't I just be normal. I feel someone sit next to me. It's luke.

"How are you feeling?" He ask

"Guilty for eating." I say

"I know it's hard. But your gonna be okay. Here." He says as he lays back on the couch and opens his arms for me. I lay down on him. My head on his chest. He rubs the top of my back and tells me how good I'm doing today. Thirty minutes soon pass and I feel better. I have more energy and I don't feel as dead.
His hand rubs up and down my back. Soothingly.

I don't understand him at all. One moment he's tearing me down. The next he's telling me how good I'm doing. The duality of him is concerning.

He starts to gently play with my hair, rubbing my temples and twisting his finger around my curls. It's so relaxing. I feel my body soften and soon I fall asleep on him.
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Luke's P.O.V

I feel guilty, I know I'm a Jack ass towards him. But I'm trying. I decided not to say anything while he was throwing his temperature tantrum. That would have spiraled him even worse if I revealed my true thoughts and feelings. I have to play this game carefully. I lied to him, we did kiss and everything but I had second thoughts about jumping into something like that. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I admitted that I wanted to kiss him. Well lied, I did kiss him, but I was drunk also. I feel bad for how I twisted him just relaxing, being open with me. I need to get him drunk again so that I can have a redo. The perfect night.

I'm confused, I told him that I love him. I want to see him better. I don't know if I'm pitying him or if I actually have feelings. I feel like a dick. But I meant it when I said I was here for him. I know it's going to be emotionally taxing. But I'm ready for it. He needs some kind of hope. We need to keep him happy at least for the rest of the tour. We can't risk canceling anymore shows. We had to reschedule London for tomorrow. What was supposed to be a rest and break day turned into two concert days back to back. It will be okay. We just have to keep Ashton as happy as possible. I roll him off of me and stand up. I bend down to pick him up and carry him to his bunk from the living room. I place him in his bed and crawl in with him. I pull him close to me and shut my eyes so I can finally sleep.

What have I gotten myself into?