Pain of the past

Birthday

Today is the twins 4th birthday and I'm throwing them a party. They wanted a bounce house and there friends and family around them. They asked me to invite chris and I didn't know what to do so I told scott to let him know and to tell him if he wants to come then he needs to come alone. I haven't spoken to him since that night and I don't want too. I've spent my whole life being messed around by guys and I wasn't going to put up with it anymore.
I'm just sorting the last few bits out when I hear the twins run to the front door. I head out of the kitchen and look over and it's chris. He is swinging the twins around, there laughing so much.
He looks over and sees me "hey Nikki"
"Hi"
"Thank you for letting me come"
"The twins wanted you here"
He carried on talking to them while I went back to the kitchen. I stood against the counter and took a deep breath. It was hard seeing him because I still love him but today is about Noah and Jessica not us.
"Are you okay?"
I look up and chris has come into the kitchen.
"I'm fine"
"Nik can we talk?"
"No. Your here for the twins not for me so just please concentrate on them today"
"Ok. Where is Rosie?"
"Just taking a nap, she'll be awake soon"
"The garden looks great"
"Thanks"
He goes to say something else but scott walks in, he gives chris daggers and walks over to me. I had explained everything to scott when we met for coffee.
"Hello beautiful"
"Hey scott" he hugs me tight and whisper in my ear "he behaving"
"Yeah"
Then Lisa, Carly, Shanna and all the kids come running in. We all say our hellos and hug. The kids go outside to play on the bounce house and the adults make there way to the seating area. Chris hangs back "do you need any help?"
"No. I'm okay thank you"
He nods and walks out. Today was going to be difficult. I hear Rosie start to cry so I go to her room and get her. I can't believe she is 3 months old already. Time was going by so quickly.
I bring her down stairs and take her over to everyone. Lisa takes her first, she adores her and I love that she has all these amazing people in her life.

It's been a few hours and everyone is here. There all having a great night and the twins are running around with there friends. I'm sat on the decking. Holding Rosie just enjoying the wonderful picture in front of me.
"Can I sit?"
I look up and see chris standing there. I nod.
"Can I hold her?"
"Yeah of course"
He takes Rosie from me and she instantly starts babbling. She loves this man, all the kids do.
"She is getting so big"
"I know. Time is going by so quickly. It's crazy"
"It really is. How are you?"
"I'm okay"
"Nikki...."
"Not now chris please"
Noah comes running over to me and jumps in my lap. "Mummy can you sing a song?"
"What song baby?"
"Our favourite song"
I laugh "of course"
I grab my guitar and we all sit around, I start playing to song and everyone listens intensively.

'Something in your eyes
Makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself
In your arms
There's something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts
The rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where
I come from
Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
A window breaks down a long dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see through the dark there is light
If you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
If you knew how happy you are making me
I've never thought that I'd love anyone so much
Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where
I come from
Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong'

When I finish everyone starts clapping, I can't help but look at Chris. That song speaks to him so much and it's one I used to sing regularly in hopes he would understand I was singing about him.
I get up and place my guitar back on the stand, I walk to the bathroom and clean my self up. I can feel the emotions going through me
And I need to keep everything in check.

It's getting late and everyone is leaving, I'm just seeing the last few people out, chris is one of them.
"Will you meet me for a coffee tomorrow?"
" chris...."
"Please Nik. We need to talk"
"I don't know"
"Well let me know"
He bends down and kisses Rosie on the head and then hugs and kisses the twins "I love you guys"
"We love you too chris" I can tell they don't want him to leave but he just can't stay here right now.

I put the kids down for bed and slip into bed myself, I'm worn out. It's been a long few months and I finally feel like everything is calming down.
I woken up by a high pitch scream coming from Rosie, I run to her room and pick her up. She is burning up. I don't know what to do. I grab my phone and ring the only person I can think of in this moment. Chris.