pink nights / sally face

in my head

note: ummmm soooo i love writing this but i hope the ppl who read it like it too. if you're reading, do you like it?? im so open to comments and suggestions! :)

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when i got back to my dorm my bed was empty. on my desk was a little note, "thank you for letting me crash here. i slept so badly at larry's and your bed is superrrr comfortable. i like your animals! - ash :)" ash's handwriting was cute. i set my backpack down on the chair at my desk and tucked the note into one of my books.

my hair was still wind blown from the swings so i brushed it out before i laid down in bed.

while laying down i thought more about my new friends. especially about larry playing matchmaker. i wondered if there was any real intuition in it or if it was just fun for him. i couldn't figure out which it was and i ended up settling on the fact it was probably a little bit of both. i'm sure larry meant no harm in telling ash about my interaction with sal. the whole thing did catch me off guard though. i haven't made friends in so long and i just met these people, i didn't want to fuck it all up by being weird. which, i'm sure i would eventually because i get in my head about stuff like this.

for example, the car ride back from the swings. it was about 15 minutes long. maybe only 5 words were exchanged. why? i don't know! i didn't know what to say and i don't know if sal was in the same position or if he didn't want to say anything. i couldn't help but feel like i was bothering him just by being there. the rational side of me knows that i most likely wasn't. he invited me to hang out. he told me that he liked hanging out. but! did he invite me because he wanted to? did he feel obligated? did he tell me he enjoyed it because that's the polite thing to do? did he hate the fact that i came around in the first place and now he has to be nice to me? the irrational side of me could help but fall back into my old ways of believing that i was only an obligation, something like a chore.

i let out a big sigh and covered my head with my blankets. all i can do is wait and see. i'm trying to figure out something that probably isn't even fleshed out enough to think out this deeply. next time, it'll be all of us. there will be no opportunity for "matchmaking," it'll be a normal hang out with no grey areas. not even that sal and i talking one-on-one should be a grey area in the first place! what ash said was definitely getting to me. i don't want larry believing whatever he believes about these so-called "grey areas." if he even does! who knows! it's all hearsay and i'm getting in my head.