pink nights / sally face

bonding w ash

the school week began again and truthfully i was relieved. it felt good to have something other than my feelings on my mind.

"ugh!" ash threw her pencil down and slumped her head. "i hate these classes! it's all so .... sterile!"

ash and i had started doing our homework together in the library almost every day. she often complained of her classes so i wasn't startled.

"ash ..." i put my hand on her back, "i know this sucks but at least you're doing okay?" ash had been doing well. unfortunately for her, she was good with numbers and her grades reflected that.

"doesn't that feel like a big fuck you?" ash lifted her head and pouted. "it's like, i hate this but i'm not terrible at it so there's no reason for me to quit. except for the fact that i want to! but for my parents, that's just not enough."

"i'm really sorry ash ..." i leaned my head against my hand. "have you ever thought about joining a club? like for art?"

she huffed, "i mean ... no," she looked down and hummed, "i don't know. maybe that's a good idea."

"maybe being surrounded by other artists would be inspiring too. maybe it'd make you feel more connected with your creativity, make you feel less stifled." i offered a smile.

she softly smiled back, "maybe so ..." she huffed again, "i'm kind of jealous of larry. i think that's what making this," she gestured to her homework, "all so bad."

i raised an eyebrow, "jealous how?"

"maybe jealous was a strong word to use, but larry is an amazing artist. and there used to be a time where i would help him but now it feels like it's the other way around. i can't help but wondering if it's school that's keeping me from progressing. i just, i see larry's work and i feel like i'm not getting better anymore. i feel like i'm detached from my art and it's getting worse." she brought her hand to her face, "it's so embarrassing."

i felt taken back. i could've never guessed that's how ash felt. i always saw ash as extremely creative and self-assured.

"if it makes you feel any better, i never saw that. i have always been impressed by your creativity and i admire it a lot." i spoke softly watching ash from behind her hand.

with her face still covered while she muttered a, "thank you."

"maybe you need to find inspiration?"

ash removed her hand and laughed, "no, i definitely do. school is kind of sucking all the inspiration out of me." her smile softened, "hey, could you uh, not tell larry about what i said?"

"oh my god! i wouldn't even think about it."

"okay good. i think it's nice that we can have private conversations like this. sometimes i feel a little ... hesitant to talk to larry and sal. not that they aren't my best friends, i think it's just feel like maybe they wouldn't fully understand."

i smiled and nodded, "i like being friends."

"me too, i hope you feel like you can trust me too. my lips are always sealed!" she laughed.

i laughed along with her but i felt a tiny bit of guilt creep up. she doesn't know about larry, does she? no of course not. the guilt grew louder. oh god, maybe she does? was that supposed to make me want to tell her? well, i do want to tell her. we're so close now and she would understa-

"well, i've got to go now. i told my mom i'd call her on monday's. keep her up to date, you know." she rolled her eyes and packed her stuff. "but i'll see you later, right? for dinner?"

i smiled and nodded, "oh, yeah! yeah, of course."

ash stood up and waved goodbye. i watched her leave the library and felt anxious to see her again. what's wrong with me? why do i always feel like a terrible person?

AUTHOR'S NOTE :)

hiii, i hope anyone who's reading is liking the story. i know it feels kind of aimless but hopefully that's not a terrible thing. i kind of want it to read like a diary or something, where you're living through the character instead of guessing what'll happen next. anyway! i just wanted to note that y/n definitely suffers from anxiety and hopefully it's pretty clear, but i just wanted to note that in case it was getting lost. :)