How?
How could you hurt a child?
Deep down I want to believe that you couldn't. But I have felt the wraith your anger can bring.
What did you do?
What the fuck did you do
I am so angry. So goddamn angry. I thought I resented you before but this hot feeling I feel burns the taste of "mom" out of my thoughts.
Because I don't know who you are anymore. I don't think I ever have nor will I ever know the true version of yourself. Growing up I always thought you truly hated me. Hated us. I accepted the fact that in your eyes, we are not blessings from god. We will never be viewed as sweet babies you once birthed.
But to know that you are capable of hurting another persons child, is unforgivable. No words, no fucking wild excuse you could create with your wicked mind, nothing. Nothing could ever EVER explain the reasonings for a life to be lost. A child's life.
I always felt defenseless to you. One moment you were a nice person who would put on this front of love and care. The next you would tell insults and non ending painful words. For hours we'd listen to you break us down. You'd tell us we'd never become anything. We ruined your life.
God I wish I could scream at you. I wish I could tell you that everything you have ever said about me or about us. Are just your deep fears and insecurities bursting from within you. You throw them out to anyone who is around because you can not handle the fact that you are ridden with emotions. Years of built up baggage.
I hope you feel guilt from your constant lies, constant betrayals, constant pain that you know you have caused upon others.
But I also feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for the innocent Tammy my grandma once spoke of. The one who protected her when she needed it years ago. The one who watched her own father abuse her mother. I know you have trauma.
But no amount of trauma will excuse the things you have done. And I am tired of sugar coating your bullshit because that's all it is.
Bullshit.
I wish I could be rid of you. I wish you no longer plagued my mind. Twisting my dreams into sick nightmares about things I don't want to remember.
I always told myself to hold on as a kid. I would tell myself that once I turned 18 I could finally leave and be free.
I now realize that won't happen. You're a curse that can't seem to be broken and I refuse to allow you to taint me any longer.
I wish I could understand. I wish I could just simply understand. You wear this mask of falsehood, presenting yourself like a true actor. With many faces and many tricks. A jester.
I now can see why you choose to wear a mask. Because there was a time where I looked in the mirror and instead of seeing myself for what I was, instead of accepting that yes I am sad and yes I have my flaws. I decided to fool myself into seeing things I tried to force. Lies.
You can't handle seeing who you are deep down inside so you avoid long glances in mirrors. Afraid your facade will crack.
Because I too wore a mask.
And I never realized that pretending to be someone else or pretending to feel okay when you really don't, never works.
It stops now. I refuse to try to brick over the foundation of what makes me, me.
Because I am not you.
I'll eventually fill this shell of who I am with who I'm actually meant to be. It could take time, months maybe even years.
But no time in this world can fix the wrongs you have done.
So I will pray for you. Even tho deep down I feel like you don't deserve it.
I will ask god to somehow forgive the things you have done. To not only me. But to your other daughter. To your own mother. To anyone you have wronged.
You don't deserve it, but they do.
I am done with you.
-cms
