Never Saw This Coming

Drinks.

Maddy

Instead of actually going out out, we decided to skip the bar and just come to dinner. We're currently sitting in a bigger than a normal-sized booth at a Mexican restaurant. It's only six of us tonight. Cgc, Valdez, Rhys, Nova, Max, and I. We invited Max after Xander made plans not to come tonight. I figured he wouldn't. Not after what happened between us three days ago. I hope that the guys just believe that he didn't feel like coming out tonight. I have no idea what excuse he made this time since we haven't spoken.

Three days ago, Xander told me he loved me. Two day ago, I realized that I regret my decision. As much as it kills me to say, I regret letting him walk out that door. Not because someone saw us, I couldn't care less honestly, but because he left. For two nights straight I've been replaying that horrible fight between us. I don't know what little thing clicked in my brain that told me, Maddy, you need this guy. This guy has made you feel things you haven't felt in forever and you know it. I just pushed those feelings down because getting disappointed is my worse fear.

I've been hurt by a guy before, but that isn't why I'm scared. I'm scared because I've been disappointed by so many people in my life that I don't think I have the capacity to get hurt again. I act like the toughest person in the world, but deep down, I hurt like everyone else. I might now show it all the time, but I do. I've gotten better at not getting hurt so easily which is why it happens less, but this? It hurts. But Xander didn't hurt me. I hurt him. I messed things up, not him.

He loves me.

I only hear those words from a select few people so when someone new expresses them to me, I appreciate them so much. But this time, I pushed him out of my life. I think Xander Williamson has the capability to break my heart and that is the last thing I want. I don't think I can afford to go through something like that. Not right now at least.

Still, I'm secretly hurting. I miss him even now. There are times when I've gone three days without seeing him, but these past days have hurt worse. It's because I know that I lost him. He's not going to come back because I told him not to. There is not going to be a second chance for me and I have to accept the decision I made.

I can't believe I actually fell for him. I didn't realize my feelings immediately, not until he actually left. Not until it actually hit me that this was happening. And it's not just sex. It was at first, but during the time we spent together, something shifted. We got closer, and I started giving him more of my time than I gave anyone else. What is wrong with me? No matter how much I care about him, I cannot be doing that. There are other people who I should pay attention to more than him. Myself included. I'm not about to go all fucked in the head over some guy.

This guy may be utterly different and possibly made for me, but I need to look at other people too. Important people like the ones sitting in front of me. My whole life, I experienced nothing that felt like love or family. When I moved to Oak Hill, I gained all of that in a couple of years. Love, family — even though it's not blood. These people mean more to me than they will ever know and while I care about Xander, I need to care about them just as much.

I needed to come out with them tonight. They're possibly the only people who can take my mind off of things.

Our waitress comes back with our drinks and appetizers after a couple of minutes. We all got here not long ago. I take a long sip from the margarita I ordered. It's the only alcoholic drink I got but it won't even give me a slight buzz. I also ordered a backup glass of water. "Is it good?" Nova asks, sitting next to me. I nod at her and smile. We carpooled here together and the car ride was a little quieter than usual. She's typically not much of a talker unless she's with me and people she's comfortable with, but today was different. I figured she'd fill in the empty space since I didn't talk much but she didn't.