Never Saw This Coming

Bowling Night.

Tw: mentions of suicide and depression
Xander

"Touchdown!" Novalee throws her hands up in the air as she knocks down all her pins. Valdez shakes his head, looking at his girlfriend lovingly. He walks up to her and attacks her face with kisses. "Seriously? How is she so good?" Rhys says. Rhys and Novalee have been competing against each other this whole game. They're the best bowlers out of all of us.

"Your turn, C." I pat Cgc's back once before he gets up to find his ball on the rack. Chris and Nova sit in the empty chairs next to me and we all watch Cgc take his turn. He sucks more than I do. He claimed to be good until he actually started playing. He's about 45 points behind me. I'm second to last and he's last, obviously. He throws the ball and it quickly rolls over to the gutter. Rhys snorts loudly, catching Cgc's attention. He turns around and flips him off before picking up his second ball.

My phone rings and I pull it out from my pocket. Damn. That gets me every time. I turn off the alarm and shove the phone back into my pocket. "Why do you have an alarm for 9:00 p.m.?" Chris asks me. I have an alarm reminder to take my antidepressants. I always forget to turn it off completely since I'm not on them anymore. I'll leave it on just in case I do need to start taking them again. "Oh, I thought I was gonna take a nap before you guys asked me to come out with y'all," I lie.

No matter how close I get to someone, I never let them know the things I keep closed in a safe somewhere deep inside of me. One of those things is my depression. I hate talking about it and explaining it, so I choose not to. It's been something I've been battling with for a couple of years. It's never gotten better, only worse. The only person I have to blame is myself. I choose not to take my medication which fucks with my head. Taking them after a long while of not taking them only makes my depression worse.

Who the fuck wants that?

I'm doing fine so far. I might consider taking them when we start practicing in March again, but I don't know. I'm not set on anything yet. Maybe if they actually worked as good as I once thought they did, I'd take them regularly. My anxiety tends to get worse when I'm off of them though. Hence why I'm always trying to do anything to get myself out of the house. Out of my own head.

It's why I grew passionate about parties. It's an escape. Being drunk or even high makes me not think at all which is what I need. My doctors tell me not to drink especially while on antidepressants, but I still do it anyway. That's why I'm glad I'm not taking them anymore. They ruin my source of entertainment.

Sometimes I think about telling one person about it. Ever since I was diagnosed with depression at the age of eighteen, I've kept quiet about it. I don't think I've ever had a best friend like Christian. He's the guy I know I can count on the most and he's always here for me. There have been times where I've felt like complete shit and he's been the one to lift me up. He's helped me out more times than he even knows.

For some reason, I can't grow the balls to tell him about my depression. The only people who know about it are my mom, and my sisters and brother. I'd like to keep it that way. I don't want more people feeling bad for me. I'm fine. I've been fine for years and I will continue to be.

"Your turn, Xan." Chris' voice takes me out of my thoughts. I get up from my chair and walk over to pick up the green ball. It's too small for me, but I liked the color, so I picked it regardless. I eye the pins and then roll the ball. It betrays me, going sideways instead of straight and only hitting about three pins. I groan but walk over to get the same ball on the rack. "You got this, stud!" Valdez says. I smile again, eyeing the pins before rolling the ball.

This time I knock all of them over. I smile and Chris claps slowly. I find my way back to sit next to him. "Nice play, cutie," he banters. I wipe nothing off one of my shoulders teasingly and he chuckles. Nova gives me a thumbs up. "Can I invite, Maddy?" she whispers to me. I furrow my brows and shake my head. "No, please," I say easily. She shrugs her shoulders, "Worth a shot." Chris shakes his head lightly.

I don't think he minds that I don't get along with Nova's best friend. Not as much as she does anyway. She's tried more than once to get us to get along. Obviously, it hasn't worked. Her presence is unwanted. Although I do like making her fucking mad. It might be one of the only things that makes me happy.

I grin at the thought of a mad raven-haired girl.

My phone vibrates in my pocket and I pull it out quickly.

Mom: Take your pills tonight? And what are you doing?

Me: yea yea. bowling w the guys.

Mom: Ok. Have fun. I love you.

Me: love you

If anyone scrolled through the text messages I have with my mom, they'd see her text messages to me every day that ask if I've taken my pills. She might not always text me right at 9, but she never misses a day. She always asks what I'm doing too. If I take too long to answer, she begins to spam my phone with calls and texts, so I make sure to answer quickly.

She just worries about me. I don't complain about the daily texts and calls from her because they really don't annoy me. I appreciate it and love her for it. She's like my best friend. She's always there for me and cares about me more than anyone in the world. I miss her a lot most days. I wish I didn't go to school all the way across the country, but it's not like I knew what would happen my freshman year.

I've grown a strong love for California. One that has held me from moving back to New York. I'll probably end up moving back after college though.

"Here," Chris hands me the cheese fries we ordered. They just arrived. I grab them from him and use the fork to shove a couple of them into my mouth. Fuck, they're good. I lick the cheese off my lips. "Fuck, that was hot." I turn to Chris who's looking right at my lips. Nova perks her head out and looks at us. I can't hide my smile. "Why have you guys been flirting more than lately? Should I know something?" She looks at Chris.

Chris and I have this thing where we 'flirt' as Nova calls it. It's honestly all fun and games. We don't really mean what we say. It's just the way we are with each other sometimes.

Chris leans over and kisses her lips quickly. "I would never leave you for him, baby," he tells her. She sticks her tongue out at me like a little girl. I roll my eyes playfully, taking some more of the cheese fries before giving them to Cgc. He takes them from me and eats a couple of them.

Rhys makes a strike and laughs pointing at Chris' girl. She narrows her eyes at him as he once again takes the lead. "Go show 'em, babe," Chris tells her. She stands up and he pats her ass lightly as she walks towards the ball rack. Cgc stands up to take a phone call. "Hey, you good?" Chris asks me. My shoulders tense automatically. Valdez is good at reading people, especially the ones he knows well. AKA me. Let's just say, he's asked me this question a lot since we've known each other.

I wouldn't say he knows about my depression, but he notices whenever I'm off. "I'm good, why?" My eyebrows furrow like I'm confused. He shakes his head, "Just asking." He hits my knee lightly with his. Fuck. Sometimes I feel like shit about not telling him but, I don't know. I know he'd never react in a bad way or even in an I feel sorry for you way, but I just don't think telling people will make a difference at this point.

I've been living with this quietly for years. Why stop now?