Never Saw This Coming

No More Secrets.

Xander
TW: mention of suic*de attempt

After I take my pills for the day, I return back downstairs. Cgc, Rhys, and Valdez all sit on the long couch in front of the TV. I sit on the massage chair on the side and watch as they all play Madden. After talking to Maddy two days ago, I decided that I was going to tell my friends about my depression. With Maddy, the opportunity kind of presented itself. I don't think that'll happen here again, so I struggle on how to even say anything to them. I know I want to tell them though because I am tired of hiding that part of me.

Because even though I hate to admit it, it's a big part of me. It'll continue to be until God knows when. I don't know if I can ever get 100% better again. Now that I've told one person, I might as well tell more. I want to though. I'm not forcing myself to tell them this. They deserve to know this as much as Maddy did.

I adjust myself on the loveseat, none of them are paying attention to me but to the game in front of them. So I just blurt out, "I have depression." I say it loud enough for them all to hear me. I have no idea why I said it like that. All their heads snap to me at the same time. The game is still playing, they didn't bother to hit pause. "What?" Valdez says first. Cgc hits pause and then sets the controller down on the coffee table. They all have different facial expressions, but they all come back to one emotion. Worry.

"Ever since my dad died. You guys know how close I was to my pops and his death fucked me up more than I thought it would. I was diagnosed with depression a couple of months after. I just never said anything because I didn't want you all to worry about me. You might have your own shit going on, I didn't wanna be a burden," I tell them. The looks on their faces kill me — especially Valdez's. I don't know what he's feeling right now.

"You didn't have to hide that, Xan. You would have never been a burden," Rhys says. Cgc shakes his head and looks down at his hands. It kind of feels like I would have been though, I don't know. I hate when people worry about me. Hell, if I could have kept it from my mom I would've. "You didn't trust us enough to tell us until now?" Valdez suddenly speaks up. Both Cgc and Rhys look at him, I do too. I pinch the bridge of my nose for only a second and shake my head.

"That's not the case at all. I just didn't want you guys to constantly have to worry about me, alright? My mom worries about me enough already and I just didn't wanna put another person through that. Three more people," I tell my best friend. "Over these past years, you three have been the people who have helped me the most, even when you didn't know it, alright? And Valdez, please, don't beat yourself up because you didn't realize it sooner, alright? I'm good at pretending like I'm fine."

I make sure to say this because I know it's going to affect him the most. My best friend is always there for the people he cares about the most and him just realizing that he didn't know about my depression probably isn't a good thing. Like I told Maddy yesterday, I don't want him to blame himself for this shit because he couldn't have known. I do such a good job at hiding the way I'm truly feeling that I might as well secure a fucking spot in Hollywood right next to Nova.

"It got really bad after football season to the point where," I pause. Do I really want to add more fuel to the fire? No. But I don't want to keep anything from them either. "I'm fine now, but the day before my dad's birthday in February, I almost. . . killed myself. But, I didn't okay? I'm fine," I say. The three of them still all stand up whenever I said that. I stand up too and walk closer to them. "Xan. ." Rhys says. "Why didn't you say anything?" A tear slips down Valdez's face but he wipes it quickly.

"You guys don't know this but Maddy came over that night looking for you guys. She thought you were still home and she came right before I took those pills. I didn't do it because I thought you guys came back home or something. Then I ended up going to the bar with her afterward, but I didn't say anything. Not even to her," I explain. Cgc sits back down on the couch. "The thought of killing myself didn't even cross my mind after that," I assure them. This is the truth though. Even though it took me a while to feel okay again, the thought of killing myself never came back.