Hitting on the hitman

Lied my face off (34)

I always thought about what I thought of Lucas, how I should judge him or not judge him, but I never considered what he thought of himself, how much he judged himself.

"I- I know Jess." He stuttered quietly. "And I know that I will never be able to take it back, this is who I am- I mean." He paused taking a shaky breath. "I killed my own parents-" He barely got the words out but as he did his head shot down to the floor.

Another wave of guilt pang through me, harsher and sicker than ever before. I took a cautious step forward.

"No, Lucas, you didn't, that wasn't your fault." I shook my head suddenly my face grew pale too.

"It was because if I hadn't missed that shot, they would have been alive right now." His words pierced through me. "I'm the reason they're dead."

I looked, at the floor, swallowing my shame. I know Lucas isn't a bad person, he just does bad things sometimes, we all do, right?

"Lucas-" I wrapped my hands around his neck pulling him in, his chest moved up and down against mine shakily and my stomach grew warm. "Lucas, your not-" He quickly pulls away taking a deep breath and shaking his head.

"I'm sorry, I've made this about me," He shook his head quickly, spewing the words out like if he didn't he might lose them forever. "I'm sorry, Jess, don't let me make you feel bad you have a right to be angry-"

"I'm not angry-"

"Well, you should be." He pulled away completely now, turning his back and stepping away. "I just-" He ran his hands through his hair, he was in shambles. "You never were a charity case and you have every right to be angry just please," He paused turning back around again. He grabbed me by the waist, pulling me towards him so he could look me in the eye. "Let me help you."

I realised at that moment that Lucas helped so many people because it was the only way he could comfort himself about the bad things he does, he doesn't want to be a bad person, I don't think anybody does.

His hands clutching my waist made my skin tingle, it made me want to smile, I just wish it was in better circumstances.

He stays staring into my eyes. He has a cut at the edge of his lip and he was bleeding a little I can smell that familiar scent and I feel my senses begin to fill.

"Lucas I ca-"

He slowly got closer and closer and rested his head against mine.

"You're so important to me you know that? I don't want to see you get hurt." I felt his warm breath on my neck.

"Lucas, please don't make this harder than it has to be." I stuttered.

He tucked my hair behind my ear and his fingers grazed against me sending tingles up me like fire.

"I'm sorry," He said letting go. It was a relief but also a disappointment, I felt so safe in his arms. My heart was beating so hard and it echoed in my ears and I forgot that we were at school. I forgot about everything else around us. As I saw him slowly walk away I couldn't think straight, all I knew was I didn't want him to go.

Without thinking I rushed to him and wrapped my arms around him. He stiffened at first, maybe from shook but I squeezed my eyes shut as I gripped onto him from behind and he relaxed.

"You're important to me too," I mumbled before slowly letting go and he turned to face me again as I looked up at him. "Thank you for all that you've done for me." I smiled. "But I have to start taking care of myself."

He just nodded with a bittersweet smile and we left it at that I told him I was going to go for a drive to clear my head. But really I was going to get a frap.