Ms. try's to much

chapter 4: too much to handle

I'm not having a good day so I will wont be writing this is diary form today.

so I didn't write yesterday and the reason why is because I was really sad and anxious. I had only cried for a little bit and so it was still kind of there after the library so I took a walk. that cooled me off. we had a beautiful red-ish moon. Looked like the sun but more red. anyways the next day was kind of fine until I got to school and saw Cici again. I don't know why but I just felt anxious. I tried to ignore it but the feeling didn't go away. I had cried in my second period class. I don't know why. I like this guy, so why do I feel all sick and anxious around him. later at lunch I tried to hold back but I was kind of around him again. I just cried, I didn't feel sad but I cried and my heart was pounding like crazy. at this point in time I didn't want to be alive and I don't know why but I was struggling. I was starting to feel better when he came near my table cause he was hanging out with Ophelia. ash was comforting me btw and Ophelia was doing her own thing. when he was at our table I don't know why but I couldn't help but feel upset, I don't know if it was jealousy or what. I don't think Ophelia likes Cici like that but yet my brain said I was jealous. but there was no reason to be jealous or upset or anxious. but I couldn't help it, my body went numb. I had no feeling what so ever. I was just crying and hyperventilating. I had seen the teacher and the principle pointing at me earlier and now the principle had come over and she was trying to talk to me but I couldn't get a word out, I wasn't there. no one was, I was a mindless person doing whatever someone said to do. she took my bag and led me outside for me to get fresh air. she then took me to the office but I wanted to go back. I wanted to see Chris even if I did feel like dying. but I stayed in the office and the principle got my lunch, and my friend ash and we just sat and talked when the guidance councilor came in. after a while I felt like opening up so I told ash I loved them but I would need to talk alone. we talked for a bit about this and everything (btw off topic but I think ash knows because he had tried to show a video of Cici to me and I said I didn't want to see it. I think they understood, but I didn't. I don't understand my own feelings. I don't know if I have feelings. I'm feeling them all at once and yet not at all. I hate this so much.) I told the councilor I felt better (at the time I did) but after my third period class I didn't (even in my third period class I didn't, I found myself looking up at the track and seeing on of my lunch table mates walking around with his friends, I though they were cute for some reason and thought I had a crush on all of them. I don't know why, I didn't have my own feelings in check. but after they made fun of special ed kids I knew I was returning to normal cause all I felt was hatred) . it went back to being the same. just the thought of Cici makes me upset. I feel sick to my stomach. I cant remember much anymore. but what I do remember is this has been my 4th panic attack and I'm not sure if I can do this much longer. the whole relationship thing is driving me insane. I just want to close myself off to the world and be a loner cause this hurts to much. but I have goals and I need to stick around for that. I need to put others before myself. anyway that's it for now. I will talk to you guys Monday

-Asia