Jotaro Kujo (Part 4-5) - Become Us

17 I'm Worried

A few days went by. Jotaro was back on his feet. He seemed to be doing okay, but he was keeping himself busy and distracted.

Jotaro came to the kitchen. He greeted, "Good morning, sweetheart."

"Ooh," I said impressed of his attire.

He was wearing clothes I've only seen a few times in pictures with baby Jolyne. He wore a purple hat with a big green and yellow star. The rest of his clothes matched the hat.

I said, "You should wear colorful clothes like that often."

"You think so?"

"Yeah," I went up to him and kissed him on the cheek. "Right. I got you something new since your collar is worn. I wanted to give it to you at the right time, but we haven't found the right time in a while. Just wanted to tell you."

His stoicness wavered a bit as he said, "Can you show me?" He was really excited.

"Yeah sure."

We went to our bedroom to my dresser. I opened a drawer. I took out a black leather collar with my name on it.

A shuddering breath of anticipation came from Jotaro.

"Do you want to wear it?"

"Yes," he near whispered. He bent a little to expose his neck to me.

As I placed around his neck, he wouldn't take his eyes away from mine. After, I clipped on the collar, before I could move my hand, he placed his own hand on top of mine.

His eyes was filled with anticipation.

"You just got dressed for work," I said. "When we get home." I reached up and kissed him on the lips. My lips lingered on his for a few seconds.

"Okay," he said. "Later, I do have a question."

"Okay," I said. "Shoot."

"Do you think you could choke me again?"

Not gonna lie. I did not expect that question. "Well, if you want. It's just... I don't want to hurt you. I feel like if I am not paying close attention, I might injure you if I get too riled up."

"Oh. That makes sense."

"I'm not going to do it this time." I explained, "I just have to do it when I'm able to make sure you stay safe, and when I'm feeling confident that I won't hurt you." He should know when I meant hurt, I meant in a bad way.

He nodded. "So... you won't be able to focus this time."

"Yes," I answered. "Because I plan on getting railed tonight," I walked to the doorway and said, "You better do your best tonight, hun."

He may be a masochist, but we still had vanilla sex at times.

Jotaro followed after me. He asked, "One more question: what should we do with the other collar?"

I shrugged, "Just throw it away. We don't need it anymore. Since it's old, it could injure you."

"Hm," he nodded. He went to opposite of my direction and went into the closet where we kept our tools. He took out the collar and examined it.

I left him to take care of the collar.

The rest of the day went by. We came back from work and was eating dinner in the dining room.

Jotaro was eating dinner quietly. It wasn't out of the norm. He was always quiet as he ate.

I asked, "How is work treating you?"

"It's going well," he answered. He kept his eyes on his food.

I clarified, "How are you doing?

He glanced at me and exhaled. "I'm fine." He looked annoyed.

"Do you not like asking about your well-being?"

He said, "No." That answer was dripping with venom.

What was going on with him? Was he upset with me? Did something upset him at work? Did he not want to talk? I mean, talking wasn't really his thing...

I didn't say anything else.

Jotaro looked up at me. "Um..." He called my name. He said softly, "Sorry."

"You know I'm really worried about you," I said with my voice wavering. "Seriously, I just wish you could talk to me more."

He avert his eyes and said, "You really shouldn't worry yourself about that."

My jaw clenched as I felt my face go warm as my emotions began wavering. "Jotaro, you nearly killed yourself."

He exhaled through his nose with a salty look on his face. He was being passive aggressive. No... He was ashamed.

But I couldn't help but feel pissed. "Jotaro, every time I leave your side, I feel on edge. I'm terrified for you."

"Well, don't be," he said.

"I'm not like you," I replied. "I can't just set aside my feelings and pretend that a problem doesn't exist! Hun, that's not healthy."

"Then if it isn't, why don't you just let me go?"

A silence fell in between us.

I spat, "Don't you dare suggest something like that! When I said I wasn't leaving you, I meant it!"

Jotaro flinched as he sat straight up. He was taken aback by me. He swallowed. "Um... Yeah, sorry."

"No," I said calming down. "I'm sorry for snapping at you. You just seem to be dealing with this whole worthlessness thing, and it was just pissing me off. No, it hurts that I haven't done anything to help you. I need to remind you how much you mean to me. But the suicide thing... I don't know what to do for you."

"I..." He was trying to find the words to continue his thoughts. "I don't know either."

"What is going through that mind of yours?"

Jotaro grimaced, "I don't want to think about it. I just want stability. Something simple."

"Is that all we can do? Not talk or think about it?"

"Can't we?" He said this as if he was begging. His eyes bore into mine showing all types of vulnerability.

These issues he had was painful. The resolution to his problems was not healthy at all. And I didn't know how to help him.

But if it could help him now...

God, I'm so frustrated.

I rested my hand on my forehead and sighed. I wanted to focus on him, but he didn't want to focus on himself. I wanted to help him through all of his problems, but he wanted to pretend it's not even there.

"Just tell me this," I said. "Are you still suicidal? No, how often do you feel that way?"

He hesitated, "Only when I think too much about everything..." He averted his eyes from me. "Are we done?"

I pulled my hand from my forehead and sat back in my chair. I said defeated, "Yeah." I forcibly pushed the conversation to the back of my head, hoping it would disappear.

Later that night, he definitely plowed into me like there was no tomorrow like we planned earlier. As I curled up beside him feeling the afterglow, he held me close.

Jotaro seemed quite content. His hand trailed up and down my side. It was like he wanted to take in every detail he could as his fingers touched me gently. His eyes caught mine. He said, "I love you."

I giggled, "Yeah, I love you too."

Maybe we could just live in our own world as a safe place for him. The outside world was already filled with too many problems and dangers. Maybe he could forget all that pain. This was probably what he needed.