𝘌𝘶𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘢: 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘭 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘰𝘸𝘯.

I

RUE.
I was having these flashbacks, these memories of our moments together, the moments that i thought would last forever. the one thing that made me happy,
The one person that made me happy, after my father
Died i was drowning, but since she came into my life things had been better.

Not saying that things were really good but
When I was with her I could just forget for a
Second, the harsh world that we live in.
the reality where My father no longer existed.

For awhile I wanted to become clean for her , I wanted to be a better person, to show her that I could be somebody that was not some worthless drug addict..

But I needed the drugs even when things
were great with her I still had a missing void
and the drugs filled me up.

You could say i was selfish but, I think did what I had to do sometimes I just don't wanna feel, I don't wanna stay sober. Sometimes, I wanna be fully clean I wanna be better, but it's never easy to be just better.

Because When Someone expects something from you,
It can't be half assed, you have to actually put your all into that one thing.

For me, I couldn't. even if
It was for jules, I'm sorry jules,
I really did wanna be a better person.
I don't know how we got here,
We swore we'd run off to a far away
Place where there was no one
But us and love but sometimes
Love just isn't enough.

she was my center.
I dreamt of a life with her, I thought that finally things
Would be better but they just became worse.

The happiness that I had with her slowly started to disappear, I knew That she was the love of my life but what I learnt was way much more harsher than our break up, it was that even though we could work things Out or get back together
I couldn't anymore.

The love wasn't there, the spark, it was gone.
I did forgive her and I know she did forgive me
For all the things that I've said to her.
I know sometimes I say the things that hurt the most
But its hard to explain to someone who's never experienced the world in your eyes,
To tell them that sometimes you don't mean what you
Say but it comes out that way.

It's not that I'm trying to be cruel it's the way I am, I was born this way and hell if I could change if I could be that better person that everyone wanted me to be so badly I'd do just that, if I could love jules the way I use I would do that too, but I can't I've moved on.

They say that when a chapter ends it's never really the end because there's always a new beginning, Eliza brown was my new beginning.