Venting About Books and Stuff

am I though? am I really?

Note: This gets increasingly negative, and I was honestly just feeling really emotional--

I know I already published something today, and I will probably work on pen now that someone's chosen it, but this is something I really want to write.

Jellinax, Moon Llama, Peg, whatever you want to call her-

She just seems really depressed.

And I've been sitting here, crying about my own life problems. I always try to be the "supportive" friend, but lately I feel like I've been a selfish jerk.

I've been saying different things with different people, and I've being saying things about other people.

A friend of mine was mad at Peg, and I just... told Peg. I didn't think about anyone else, because little old me was too "caught up in the moment".

I'm sick today, and so I got to stay home from school. Which means I got to read and write while my friends dealt with their own problems.

Okay, so you shouldn't put other people's weight on your shoulders, but have I really tried? I complain about Peg not being supportive enough, but am I supportive?

Peg made this... piece of art, I guess. I'm not going to go into detail. It definitely triggered something in me. I tried to be supportive, and to "help", and to say something positive.

But if I can't even do that for myself, what does that mean for people around me?

And look at this, I'm still here complaining about myself. My problems. My anxieties. My fears.

So, I don't have to drop everything and run at someone's every whim, but I can't help this feeling that I'm not doing enough.

Me and Gene (from an earlier vent) have been getting closer because we started trying to support each other. Lately it feels like Gene's been doing all the supporting.

A person I'm going to call Cassady, the person who was mad at Peg (actually, they might still be mad at Peg, I don't really know yet), was telling me why and I couldn't for the life of me find something supportive to say.

When me and Gene talk, I just shrug off insults I should take offense to. When she makes a joke that really shouldn't be a joke in the first place, I laugh.

When me and Cassady (honestly anyone) talk, I feel like I'm talking behind other friends' backs.

I keep telling myself to fucking hold out until Tuesday, when I can finally see my therapist. I can't hold out until then. And even then, I don't tell her everything. I just... can't.

I came out to her first, but I can't talk about being unsupportive.

Ha.

I read Jellinax(Peg)'s new/finalish vent and I wanted to cry. Literally. My eyes were watering because of that.

I can't shake the feeling that I'm not doing enough for other people. Or myself, honestly.

I'm a hypocrite and I know that. I'm a traitor to people I called friends and they don't even know that. I'm judging everyone, constantly. I don't tell myself to stop. I don't tell myself these bad habits are wrong.

I miss being a little kid.

I miss being able to face the sun.

But this isn't about me.

There are so many other people out there with so much bigger problems. Some are right next to me, and I don't try to help.

Bye, I guess. I'll be posting something more light-hearted soon.