Venting About Books and Stuff

sexuality: treated like an article

I'd like to start with this: this is not targeted/directed to anybody in particular, only things that have been on my mind for a while now. If you are someone I know, please don't take this as an act of aggression or an accusation.

Now, this vent has three parts (and an outro bit):

Being Asexual

- Consent Isn't Black and White

Being Aromantic

- Self Friend Zoning

Talking About Sexuality

- Religion

And now, to the wonderful world of...

Being Asexual

The basic definition of being asexual is lack of sexual attraction, not wanting to engage in sex or sexual activities, and, for some people, lack of physical attraction.

For me, this means three things:

1. I don't want sex or anything of the sort

2. I may find people attractive, but I have never been attracted to a person

3. I don't care for someone's body or how they look

Depending on who you are and your identity, being asexual or ace can look different for you as a person, and it's almost never exactly the same. Sure, the basics are there, but each person has different reasons and opinions.

So, in my own case, those are my three fundamentals of being asexual. It starts with not wanting sex or anything like that.

I know, I'm young, I'm only in middle school, I might not understand yet. And maybe one day I will change my mind, but this is what I do know. This world is a place where a lot of people expect sex in a relationship, and I don't want that. I want to know that someone loves me for myself. 

The bare idea of, for lack of better words, sleeping with someone is absolutely disgusting to me. And yes, this might make relationships hard. This might change some - a lot - of things.

Not experiencing physical attraction leads into that. I have found people attractive before (cough, Cerulean, cough), but I have never cared about it. How people look is an extreme afterthought, and I have never, in my measly lifetime on earth, have been attracted to someone for their looks.

Maybe being in a romantic relationship where I don't feel physical attraction to said partner will be hard. But if someone really loves me, they wouldn't care. And I will continue living through life with that mindset, because I don't want to change. Let me live in denial!

This fits hand in hand with the fact that people's bodies and looks could matter less to me. You don't need to look nice; you could look like fucking Shrek and, if you were a person I did like, I would still love you.

I. Don't. Care. Go and do what you want, find beauty in your own thoughts if you wish, but it doesn't matter to me in the end. Love should go beyond how someone looks, right?

If someone can't accept the fact that I am asexual, screw them. I'm not broken, and everyone has the right to their body and what they do.

Which leads into...

Consent Isn't Black and White

It isn't just yes or no.

No one ever knows what really happened. Unless someone says yes clearly, verbal or nonverbal, with absolutely no pressure or convincing, that is real consent.

You could see a group of people with someone who is clearly uncomfortable and go, "well, I heard them say yes!"

What if they were peer pressured into making a terrible decision? There could so many different factors. People can be threatened, blackmailed, manipulated.

Consent is not a line. It's smoke. You can easily brush it away, say that you heard some version of yes without thinking of the circumstances, and there you are.

Congratulations. You may have just ruined a life.

aNd NoW...

Being Aromantic

I'm questioning at the moment, but here's what I can say:

Have I ever really liked somebody?

Because honestly, I'm just a lonely, desperate introvert longing for friends. (Okay, Cassady, if you're here, you can yell now! /j) I end up sitting next to someone and I think they're cool? Okay, quick, try and bond!

And then I get confused. Do I have a crush? Am I a person who only desires platonic relationships? Because there are parts to these people I long to be friends with that I find somewhat attractive.

Like this guy in my Spanish class (*intense coughing*). It's like, oh, cool, you do art, you seem kinda nice, can we possibly be friends? And then there's the "you know, I might like this person".

Do I? Do I not? I'm just getting in my head with all of this. I can't fucking tell. Is it a sign that I can't pick apart romantic and platonic feelings? Maybe I am aromantic...

Or maybe I'm scared of love.

Self Friend Zoning

I proudly live a life of denial, sure.

But does this trickle into if I like a person or not? I get so convinced they'll never like me back, I just started wishing for friendship.

I suppose that's like self friend zoning. Just... avoid all romantic pretense, right? I don't know, so let's move on, hm?

Talking About Sexuality

It just makes me feel warm when I see that kind of representation in our media. Society is changing, bit by bit, and this is a good change.

And excuse me if I talk too much about stuff being gay. You don't live my life, okay? Every time I have to go to my dad's and it make it all some straight thing. I can't fucking be myself because every time I'm there I'm surrounded by these homophobic beliefs.

Christianity.

What hurts more is that in the Bible, it's at least mildly put that sex is a normal, fundamental part of a relationship. Fundamental. Important. Necessary.

I'm not describing it well.

You can't fucking judge me for always talking about stuff being gay until you have lived as me. I hate those people, the ones that judge without thinking about the other side.

This is my rebellion, and you can't take this away from me. I won't crawl into another damn hole.

Sorry, not sorry, I will keep talking about this. I will keep speaking up and advocating for diversity, for human rights, for equal rights. Maybe this is my mom's fault, but you know what? I'm glad I have a parent willing to educate me on these terrible things and to encourage me to put an end to them. I'm grateful, because even though I live a sheltered, spoiled life, my mom won't let me stay blind to others' struggles.

I think everyone needs a figure like that.

So, you have a nice life. I'm going to go speak out, I'm going to fucking yell, because too many people aren't heard, and I don't want to be one of them.

Bye. I hope you can also see the world as the shaky idea of hope it really is.

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