Venting About Books and Stuff

I talk about love

Hey there! It's been a bit. I kind of lost the need to write on Wattpad after I finished Midnight, and then I started a book of love poems, but that's published on my "secret" account.

Lucky for you readers, I'm talking about love today, so you aren't missing out with the love poems. I've already made a thing about my sexuality and such, so I'm going to skip over that. Here we go!

For a brief moment, I thought I was polygamous. I'm not. I just have crushes on multiple people at the same time. And that has led me down several rabbit holes. At the moment, I have two definite crushes. Which leads me to this:

I haven't been in love before. I don't understand it. When does it shift from a simple crush to something so much more meaningful? How can you determine liking someone to wanting to be with them everyday? To longing to hold their hand? To being in love?

I want to say I just like these people. But I don't. Some part of me wants a cliché middle school romance. And it's so stupid anyway.

I've only talked to one person because we sat next to each other in class. I don't even know if I want to love them. I want to talk, to build friendship. That's all. It's frustrating because I feel this happens with every boy mildly interesting I meet. I just want to befriend them. And this can't be that. I like this guy. Genuinely.

Right?

What if I just want to be friends with everyone I've ever liked? But that can't be true. There's someone else, and being friends doesn't help. I want to be with them, just different from how we are now. Is that love? Because I'm really just scratching the surface here. There is so much more to this.

It's not a new crush. It's been here for a while. Hell, this person was my gay awakening.

Love is so abstract, there's really no way to define it. Maybe I just need to try it. But who would love me? My parents?

When I think of love, I think of love languages. I just feel so different. My love language isn't physical touch, or praise, or anything cute. It's insults. Most often, if I am constantly teasing someone, act harshly to them, etc, I either like them or feel I've developed a close relationship with them. (Yes, I insult a lot of people. Notice the difference in my method, though. The sarcasm. The laughter.)

What I'm trying to say is this: I don't get love, and my idea of it seems so different from society's.

Okay, so I've talked about definite crushes. But then we have the people I'm not sure I like. This plays back into the friends thing. Are they just an interesting person that I want to talk to, or do I like them?

I think part of this is because of what people have been telling me. The sayings that if you talk to a boy, you like them. Society cultivated these expectations of relationships, and it's left me in this huge puddle of confusion (and a little bit of denial). Looking at a boy was liking him. Talking to a boy was liking him. It isn't though, and I think I'm struggling to realize that.

It's okay if I only want to be friends with a boy. I'm not forced into liking him, that's only what people expect. Which, ew, heteronormativity, no thank you.

That's all I got for you. Also, I wrote this in my notes at 11:30 pm so please excuse any mistakes and the sloppy transitions. (No beta, we die like humanity.)

Farewell, readers. I will now vanish off the internet like Batman.