Venting About Books and Stuff

"suicide, in the dark of night"

My closest friends are all talking about killing themselves. And if they did, wouldn't that just be my fault?

I was too selfish to realize that they have problems too, and now I feel like everything is just going down a pit of misery.

If I didn't help, and they killed themselves, who's there to blame but me?

Maybe that's not fair. To me, and to them. 

But they need help and I can't be the one to provide it. I'm not qualified for this. I'll probably just make things worse.

(Also, Peg, a knife to the gut isn't a good way to kill yourse-)

I've considered hurting myself. They're all considering killing themselves.

Peg wants attention, and I get that. She's scared of losing us, and she says that makes her possessive. I had a friend I was scared of losing, and that's how I lost her.

At this point, I'm not hanging out with Gene because I want to. It's because I'm scared that she'll do something.

And Cassady might be reading this, but I was too twisted up in how I felt about her and I ended up neglecting her feelings.

Whenever I go to my dad's,  I have to be surrounded by homophobic adults and kids forced into that standard.

My mom accepts me, she's made that clear. But I know, my dad never will. I can't wait until I'm an adult. 

In the end, this is all just my fault.

Is it my dad's fault for giving me that pocket knife? No.

Is it Peg's fault for struggling with depression? No.

Is it Cassady's fault for being who she is? No.

Is it Gene's fault? If I'm completely honest with myself, it fucking is. 

If my friends kill themselves, I have a feeling I will too. And here I am, putting pressure on them. Just subconsciously guilt tripping.

I want to burn something.