"What do you mean?" Josh ask, his eyebrows raised causing cute wrinkles to form on his forehead. I look into his gorgeous brown eyes, filled with confusion and curiosity. Can I really tell him? Am I ready to talk about it? I've never told anybody, ever my parents don't know the whole story.
"I was shy, I only had a couple friends." I say. I look down at my lap with my untouched pop tart an shake my head. I'm so not hungry anymore. "I hated be known as the shy girl, I never had any boyfriends because I was too nervous around them, I looked like an idiot and when Nick started taking an interest in me, you can only imagine my delight. The most popular guy was taking an interest in me, the shy good girl." I say bitterly.
"I can remember the day like it was yesterday. I was in the library during free period doing homework and listening to music. Something I always did, when Nick came walking up with a sweet smile and just started talking to me. I was nervous but somehow I ended up have a conversation with him without looking stupid. And after that we ended up hanging out. It wasn't long before Nick asked me out and I gladly said yes, and for a while it was amazing being his girlfriend. He made me feel special and like I was the only girl alive, he understood that I had never been with anybody and acceptedthat I wasn't ready to have sex yet."
I look up to see Josh studying m face, hanging onto every word I'm saying. I can't believe I'm telling him this. It's so private, I wouldn't even talk to a therapist about it, I refused. My parents wasted hundreds of dollars for my to sit in a room not talking.
"I don't know what made me have sex with him, maybe it was his constant asking me when I would be ready, or him and his friends joking around about me being a prude. All I know it that the second it happened I regretted it because I wasn't ready. I realized I let him push me into something I didn't want, and I tried breaking up with him, but he refused. He said I was his and only his, that he wasn't done with me and he loved me. I of course fell for it, and took him back.
Two months after that I found him cheating on me, I walked in on him and the head cheerleader. I was happy in a way. I knew somebody like him could never love me, but in another way I was deviated, I feel for him and thought it was real. I tried avoiding him, hoping he'd get the point that I didn't want to see him again but it only mad him mad. He knew all the places I would go to if I was upset and he found me, we got in this huge fight. He refused to give me up, saying he loved me and she forced herself on him. I screamed at him, telling him to shut up, I didn't believe him, I couldn't because I knew deep down that he didn't love me. That night was the first night he hit me." I breathe in a shakeup breath, I couldn't believe I was telling this Josh. I kept my eyes down on my lap, look firmly locked on my fingers in my lap.
"Why did you take him back?" Josh ask. I glance up at him quickly before casting my eyes downward, shrugging my shoulders. "Is this hard for you?"
"Extremely." I say. "I've never told anyone this. My parents don't even know everything. They know the basics."
"Why didn't you tell them?" I look up at him, straight in the eye.
"It's to painful. I wanted to forget, not remember."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be." I say shrugging. I get up and take my untouched poptart in the kitchen, throwing it in the garbage and leaning up against the kitchen counter.
"You don't have to tell me if this is too hard." Josh says, walking into the kitchen and pulling me into a hug. I lean against him, wrapping my arms around his waist and closing my eyes, breathing in the familiar sent.
"I want to tell you. I want you to know." I whisper into his chest. I honestly do want Josh to know about my past, it's just that it's hard. I had to choke out ever word I was telling him.
"How about this, you can tell me the rest of the story when your ready." Josh ask, leaning out of our hug just a bit so he can look me in the eye. I place my chin on his chest and nod my head.
"Okay. Thank you." I smile up at him.
"Anytime baby." Josh says and leans down to kiss me. I press my lips to him, feeling a bolt of electricity go through my body. Did Josh just call me baby?
"Wait, did you just call me baby?" I ask, pulling away from in just slightly.
"Yes, is there a problem?" Josh ask, brushing his nose against mine.
"No, but don't boyfriends call their girlfriends baby?" Does this mean Josh thinks of me as his girlfriend? Am I ready to be in a relationship? I mean, I would love to date Josh for real and not just have it be fake dating and him watching out for me because he promise my dad that he would.
"Yes."
"So, why did you call my baby?"
"Because your my girlfriend." Josh says, giving my a confused look. I can't help but smile.
"Really now?" I say, giving him a weird look. I can't help but mess with him. "And what makes you think I want to be your girlfriend?" I ask with a smirk.
"What do you mean? You don't want to be with me?" Josh ask, a hurt look on his face. I feel my smirk fall off my face as I move towards him.
I place my hands on his arms, "I was joking, I promise."
"Whatever." Josh says, his voice soft and weak. I watch him turn around and walk away from me, into the living room.
"Josh!" I call after him but see him shake his head. I suck in a shaky breathe as my heart sinks to my feet. I can't believe I did that. I probably just lost the only thing that's keeping me happy. How am I suppose to work with him now without it being awkward? I feel a single tear roll down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away, only to have two more fall down.
I take a couple steps back before I hit the counter, sliding down to the floor and covering my mouth just as a sob escapes my lips. I can't believe I just messed this up. I like Josh, no, I more than just like him, and I just messed it up. I can't do this alone, I need Josh. He's my rock, he's what helps keep me feeling safe. He helps me get through the day without breaking down or going crazy. He helps me forget about my dad walking out on me because I refused to give up on my dream. I can't do this without him.
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*Author's Note*
Hey guys, I so meant to put this chapter up last night but I ended up watch 'Here Comes The Boom' and them like right near the end my best friends mom texted me the mailing address to my best friend while she's in boot camp and I ended up writing her a 3 page letter.
Then because I'm a hopeless romantic I ended up watching 'The Lucky One' because my mom rented from the library and I've been dying to see it, cause lets face it. Zac Efron is so damn sexy and an amazing actor!
Give me you comments one this chapter!
Vote, comment, fan :)
Xoxo, Amber-Rose <3
