-Hayla-
After years of suffocation, Halya lands a scholarship at Columbia University. She's vowed to allow herself to just live and be able to experience life. Things get a little complicated when she finds herself in a few run-ins with the irresist...
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TW: Eating disorders
7 years ago
6 months after the move
the panic attacks have been getting worse. I'm in a hole. so so so deep. It's pitch black here.
" oh ya, fail school. fail because that's what your good at no? we pay all this money for you to not get good grades", my mum is yelling," do you want me to take you out of school. Might as well be our cleaning lady ya?"
"mama can you just try and unders-", I'm yelling back with my voice cracking as tears stream down my face. we've had this argument more times than we have ever hugged. My eating becoming worse. I've gained about 30 pounds. I cat stop eating. my mother puts me in emotional distress and I eat my feelings out. it's a vicious cycle.
"-understand what?! that my daughter is failing school. we feed you we clothe you, we give you a home, what more do you want huh?"
I'm so mentally exhausted. It's like the world has been drained of colour. I genuinely can't find it in me to keep arguing. we've never been mother-daughter but we've never argued as much as we do now.
one year after the move
Most days I just sleep. It's the closest thing to death. I come home from school and sleep. I'm passed the whole making my parents proud. I feel so tired. waking up is a chore.
"you need to lose weight you've gained so much, eat any more and we'll have to roll you around"
that's pretty much all I get now. Mt parents, my sister, aunts, uncles. all of them think I've gained too much weight now. I have gained a lot of weight but I have my binge eating disorder to thank. Food is my comfort. When my parents hurt me: food. It's the only constant in my life. But I hate the way I look...
maybe ill just eat a little less...
the next month
Im losing weight! maybe ill skip breakfast...
the month after that
im getting skinnier, I don't really need lunch, do I?
A couple of months after that
I'm so tired. I can't move. It's too much energy.
but I have to exercise
i feel weak. I get up to go to the bathroom and check the mirror. check my body. I've become a shell of who I once was. I've stopped playing sports because I cat even move. I've lost a lot of hair.
who am I?
who is she?
a couple of questions I ask myself recently. I hate everyone. My sister is constantly worried, my dad... he likes to pretend like everything is fine. As for my mom,
"Hayla, you have to eat, you've become a skeleton. This is because I called you fat isn't it. fine, you're skinny you're really skinny. now eat"
a conversation we've had recently.
I'm not sure who I hate more. My mom or me. the worst part is that I'm just like her. her voice lives in me. I going to end up just like her, it's just a matter of when. when is this going to end? It's so lonely.
I think I'm beyond the stage of falling apart. I've withered away.
The panic attacks have been getting worse.
writers note:-
I wanted to give everyone a glimpse into Hayla's past. My Eating disorders are the most mentally and physically draining thing I've ever been through. I also didn't specify what her behaviours were because I wanted to emphasise her emotions. My goal is to show people that, as glorified as EDs maybe, they killed every part of me I loved. It's not beautiful , it's not "nice" , it's the one thing I wouldn't wish on anyone. Not even my mother.
