Half A Heartbeat Away

06

•Beckham Blackford•

Milena stood in the kitchen awkwardly, opening all sorts of cabinets and drawers, fishing for something while the sound of unending noisy clanking got on my nerves, I was short on sleep, meaning I was easily irritated.

"What're you searching for?" I ask impatiently, eyeing her shuffling figure.

"The formula container" She responds slowly, while I tilt my head forward to where it's located on the counter, motioning towards it.

"It's right there" I guide her to it with my eyes frustratedly, while she takes the container, opening it and scooping the wrong amounts according to the water-powder ratio it should've been.

Before she can create a further catastrophe, I move Soir to my side, making him stick to my hip, then grab the spoon from her hand "There's a specific water-powder ratio for this. Every 40 millimeters you add one perfectly scooped spoon" I instruct as I show her how it's done correctly. She eyes my movements with intended interest, soaking up the activity and the measurements, knowing it'll come handy later on.

"I'm sorry I don't already know this type of stuff, it-it's just that I've never been under this type of situation before" She confesses guiltily, rolling her shoulders while playing with her fingers nervously as she stood beside me looking at the ground. She resembled a child being reprimanded for not knowing how to do long division; sort of adorable.

"And by this type of situation, you mean?" I was sure she meant she never had to take care of children on her own, but I wanted to hear it from her. I was basically sold a scam.

"Dealing with little kids" She professes in a small voice, pursing her lips, somehow afraid that the kids will hear what she's saying and hold it against her.

"Right, because you yourself were one not long ago" I spit sarcastically under my breath, with a little huff to accompany my undeserved outburst.

Her auburn eyes snap up to mine, the shyness fading away as soon as I spat the words out. I take in her face, my eyes darting from her narrowed eyes to her straight nose and then plump lips that shifted into a defiant pout. I could notice the sneer of malice in her straight posture, the way she crossed her hands on her chest defiantly, oblivious to the way it intensified her chest; but that was beside the point.

"Excuse you! I may not be the most certified children caregiver out there but at least I'm trying" She fights back, I must admit, I'm impressed with the way she's standing up to me confidently, the little girl act gone as quick as I set out to attack her. For such a young age, I expected to get the 'yes sir' type. But I can see from her eyes that there's a crackling fire burning in them. For the brevity of a second; I think I'm drowning in auburn.

"You're right, at this age you shouldn't be stuck here even, caring for kids that aren't your own. You should be out, living life to the fullest and celebrating. I'm deeply sorry for the way it all weaved into" I admit with a hint of honest sorrow in my tone, I really mean those words. She didn't deserve having her life wasted on raising children when the sky was open out for endless opportunities and countless options for her. Not able to stand her looking like a speechless puppy at me, I turn around and make my way to the couch, holding Soir's bottle so he can feed on it while he's cradled in my arms.

She follows me stubbornly, not leaving me a place to hide from her. She plops down on the couch beside me, sitting on her knees like a kid, looking not thoroughly finished with the pleasant conversation we're having.

"You don't have to be sorry for me, really" she starts. I could tell she was bad at this whole comforting thing, from the way she bit her lips as she recognized how cringy and ultimately cheesy her words must've sounded. I kept my face stoic, not showing any signs of effect by her words. Maybe if I pretend I didn't hear her, she'll go away eventually and leave me be. Instead, she nears me, putting her hand on my shoulder before realizing it and retracting immediately, like she got burnt by just my touch. She probably were, and I can't blame her for it.

"I mean, sure, I was thrown into this whole thing without real consent or will. But I bet you were too, that you weren't the most keen about getting married to some stranger, especially sin-since..yeah. I'd say we were about the same. Besides, from what I've seen so far the kids are wonderful" She finishes her speech with an adorable smile, eyes crinkling as she looks lovingly at Soir while he's nursing on his bottle.

She's not too bad, I think. No. No. I can't think like this. All she was is someone who is supposed to take care of the kids; simply a nanny. Why the hell then I'd had to marry her and promise the rest of my life to her? That was foolish and not thought out well on my part. Nothing more can blossom from this, it was an arrangement with a purpose; nothing more and nothing less. There are lines we cannot and should never cross.

As soon as the ludicrous thoughts infiltrated my mind, memories of Celia started to pool out. It felt like a mighty slap on the face, how could I ever picture anything more with this stranger while Celia's motionless body still had its grip on me, refusing to free me of the aching memories. I bet that Milena could see the gears shifting in my head as she distanced herself away from me and then stands up hastily, putting space between us like she knew exactly what went on in my brain.

"I-i think I'm going to sleep, good night" She says, and after taking a few steps, turns back expectantly like she almost forgot something "Do you need me to tuck Soir back in his cot?" She asks tentatively waiting for my answer.

"There's no need, I'll tuck him in. Good night" I answer dryly and she just nods and proceeds to go upstairs, back into her room.

I linger on the living room couch until Soir finishes the whole bottle. After I make sure he burbs, I turn off the lights downstairs and make my way upstairs, placing him gently in his cot to not have him waking up only to do the whole thing again.

I stand by Lily's bed, making sure she's still sleeping. She was snoring lightly as she had her nose crunched. I smile at the way she had the blanket tangled in knots around her. My precious little girl. I kiss her head and then exit their room to mine.

I get changed into comfortable clothes, and finally am able to climb into the confines of my bed to drift off into blissful abyss.