Half A Heartbeat Away

15

•Beckham Blackford•

I screwed up big time. I was sat at my office, not being able to get any work done since my mind kept mulling over earlier this morning. I sigh loudly and rub my temples exhaustedly. I remember how I acted when I saw Milena lying next to me on the bed; too close for that matter. Up to the point where I could count her lashes over, or lean in a bit and we'd be kissing.

At that moment, many many emotions swirled through my mind that I didn't know what to say or what to do, so I just stormed off into the bathroom like a teenager while cursing under my breath for completely blacking out on her.

Firstly, I was filled with bewilderment upon the proximity of us two; Lily was supposed to be the barrier between us that kept each in their designated side. Secondly, I felt my heart rate palpitate as I looked into her eyes, as if I was entranced under a spell and enthralled by her presence near me. Then, I got to thinking of Celia and how it was utterly wrong to let myself feel this way. God, so so wrong that I became mad at myself for allowing myself to betray her memory.

I was in this constant raging battle between my heart and mind. On the one hand, I know Celia was resting in her grave with a green flashlight directed in my way, giving me the ok to carry on without her. She wouldn't want me to spend the rest of my life alone and lonely.

On the other hand, it kept nagging me that I was somehow sinning by betraying her memory by thinking and longing for another woman. Like I was holding a dagger and stabbing the remains of our love with it for the sake of moving on with Milena.

Bloody hell, Milena was innocent in all of this and didn't deserve the mood swings because I immaturely couldn't decide what I wanted. It didn't mean I can necessarily tear her to shreds because I was torn myself.

Frustration seeped through my veins as I was driving myself up a wall from all this overthinking I did. What was worse, is that I've not once found an answer to my impossible unsolvable equation.

I needed my head cleared for a bit or else I was nearing entering a well-house for the mentally unstable. After endless tugs at my hair that didn't help subdue my headache, I stepped out of my office to take a breath outside. It didn't look like I was close to getting any work done in the next few hours anyway.

On my way outside I stumbled upon Dano whom was back from a meeting with new recruits in the other end of the hallway. He notices my distressed stance and ushers me outside.

We make it outside to a secluded corner, sharing a few moments of silence before he spills out what he's been thinking of.
"You think I haven't noticed the way you've been acting these last few days? You're locking yourself up in your office doing nothing, your productivity is down by at least 40%. Not to mention, you stare into a wall when people talk to you. So please, what is it?" He confesses and that's why I have him as my second in command, aside from his exceptional fighting skills and unturned loyalty, he is brutally honest.

I sigh and start off "I-i don't know where to start, mate" I struggle with wording the hell that's swirling inside my head. "Lately, I've been..in a constant conflict" I force the words out of my mouth, they do taste of bitterness, and he turns his head towards me, eyeing me carefully "With?"

"Everything.. I mean I started getting used to Lena and her being around all the time. I got used to going home to find her waiting for me there, plus she's amazing with the kids, she's just incredible"

"That's excellent man, what is your skepticism about then?" He probably knows the answer to that but wants me to voice the words out loud anyway. Bastard.

"I..I can't help but feel like I'm betraying Celia, I know she's dead and I'd never get her back, but the love I had for her is still there, still here." I take a long breath of fresh air. It does feel good to vent to someone about the turmoil I've been going through lately. I was starting to lose my mind on the daily.

"And you're afraid of falling for your new wife? Of what exactly? That it'll erase what you and Celia shared?" He asks and I nod agreeing.

"Well, you need to understand that it's ok to move on, for your sake and hers. You can't keep the girl in your house forever as your wife and not treat her as her husband. You could've hired a nanny instead of marrying her. Besides, I'm sure Celia wouldn't want you stuck on the past, she would want to see you moved on. Don't you think your kids deserve to see a display of a healthy relationship between a mother and father figure?" He immerses and I nod, I've not looked at it this way. He's got some valid points.

"Yeah.. I mean I see what you're saying and I think you're right" I sag my shoulders as I feel the weight of the world has been lifted off of them.

"Let me ask you something..how do you feel around her?" He asks me suddenly, and my mind drifts off..

How do I feel around her?

I feel grateful when she cooks up breakfast every single morning while multitasking a million other things at the same time. Awed whenever she's around Soir or Lily, she just has a way of being extremely gentle but jolly with them, so much that she's had them wrapped around her finger since the day she met them. Captivated whenever she looks up at me with those lovely eyes of her that can set fire to my soul if she stared a moment too long. She was beautiful in every sense of the word. She made me feel cared for.

"I get what you mean" I dwell on this answer since there was no way in hell I'm confessing to Dano of how she affected me and made me feel things.

"One last thing.." He proceeds cautiously "How would you feel if lets say another man approached her..say he starts flirting with her..flexing a bit and getting all touc-"

"He'd be dead. She's my wife, I won't tolerate anyone being disrespectful to her. He'll never see the sunlight again, simple as that." I answered in a dark tone. She was a good person and I would do anything in my power to make sure she's safe and comfortable. Besides she was mine. Her last name and the ring on her finger proved that.

"I think you got your answer, then" Dano admits with an obvious smirk. He was riling me up to get me to admit my feelings for her. And it strangely worked. I realized I couldn't keep this game of push and pull going on forever. I couldn't keep tattering around with her and not expect her to get frustrated with me eventually. Plus, I did have teeny tiny bits of feelings for her..it isn't love because it's still too early to call it that. It was a crush. An attachment. One that could blossom over time to love if we sprinkled it with enough care and attention.

Without another word, he pats me on the back in a brotherly way and disappears back inside.

One thing is abundantly clear now, If I wanted to progress from here I needed to get my shit together.