Half A Heartbeat Away

25

•Milena Blackford•

"Beck...are you mad at me?" I couldn't help but turn and ask him in my little worried tone that resembled that of a guilty child. His back that was to me turned rigid at my question and it was a sign that he was awake and not asleep as I presumed him to be.

"I know you're awake so just answer me..are you mad?" I repeat more anxiously when I sense no movement of his, my voice echoing off in the hollowness of the room, that until he shuffles slightly then turns to face me. We each laid on our side facing the other.

He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair "No..I'm not mad at you, you didn't do anything wrong" He confesses after a while in such a distressed but leveled tone that it has me questioning whether or not he was faking his calmness, whether he was simply trying to conceal his real emotions under his mask of words.

"Then..what are you feeling exactly?" I asked looking him in the eye hoping for openness and sincerity. His eyes flitted from mine to my lips to the rest of the features on my face that it felt overwhelming, like I was put under a magnifying glass, tested for any cracks that hid beneath the eye. My heart started beating arrhythmically, I was afraid I wouldn't measure up under his scrutinizing gaze.

He released another breath of air, and flicked his eyes shut and then opened them back, they looked a lot calmer, like the storm has passed "Honestly, I-I don't really know". He said and the truth was unapologetically shining through. He looked torn.

"I see, I'm sorry if I crossed a line or overstepped any limit" I finish my apology by biting the inside of my cheek in a mixture of guilt as I was the reason behind his turmoil and anticipated for what he was going to say next.

"Lena..you didn't. I'm not angry, I'm just...thinking. Sorry if I seemed distant like I was a world away, because in a way, I honestly am. I still have no idea what to make of my feelings. But I do know one thing, that it's not your fault. I know in your brain you see it like you got too close to the kids and now you've taken Celia's place, and as much as it feels like this, it really isn't. I know you try your best each and every day, so don't scold yourself off" He confesses and I stare at him in awe and mesmerization. How can someone communicate so clearly and genuinely at the same time, I wondered tersely flabbergasted.

"I just wanted to make sure that you were ok with Lily calling me that. And again, my intentions were never to take Celia's place. You know, when I first came here all these months ago I thought of myself as a nanny more than anything else. Now I can certainly debunk that and say that I..I feel so close to them as if they were my own. I love them as if they were my own" I whispered the last sentence as if I'm saying it to myself rather than him. I confess what's been on my heart for long while running a hand through my hair to tame the wild pieces, what I needed was to get a grip on my swirling thoughts and tame those. I noted that we both did that when we felt frustrated, running our hands through our hair millions of times over until we looked as disheveled as ever.

"I know. And I'm very glad about that. I think I appreciate it more than if you were cold towards them and they wouldn't like you, because you're kind of stuck with us if you haven't already noticed" He said the last sentence sarcastically, but a genuine smile graced his face as he said it. My heart accelerated in my chest at the sight. He looked so handsome, undoubtedly more so, when he was smiling. I resist and persist the urge to lean in and brush my lips with his. My insides were mush at the slightest of his movements.

"I like being stuck with you all, it makes me feel like I belong. I just want to do my best to make the kids happy and simultaneously make sure not overstep any boundaries unintentionally" I stress my point again, reinforcing my stance again.

"You're not, you're doing great. I think it just comes from the fear that if the kids forget about her...one day I might too, and it would be like she never existed" He voiced his fears aloud, the uncertainty and the vulnerability cracking through the tough persona he's put on. He stared off to the ceiling after that, looking like he was lost in a maze in his own mind, counting up stars in a constellation that didn't exist. I wanted to help him. I wanted to thread my fingers through his own and pull him back here to me, and tell him that I'm feeling lost, too.

So that's exactly what I did, I reached out and grabbed his hand with mine squeezing lightly "You won't forget about her. She's still here...in your heart. Besides, Lily and Soir are pieces of her soul that she left you. No one can replace that. No one can take that away." I delivered my words with the utmost gentleness I could besides the assertion that was needed, that he needed. I can tell he's been struggling with that lately. He needed to hear the reassurance. He needed it. As much as it felt as though I was squeezing my own heart to ruins, he needed it for the sake of gathering his own. I was ready to do that. I'd so willingly light myself afire if it meant keeping him warm.

"No one can take it away from me" He repeated the sentence as to manifest it himself, to convince himself with it. I nodded in encouragement and approval, ignoring the pain shooting in the middle of my chest. Knowing I'll never compare. He'll never love me like he loves her, he can't. Not when she still has his heart. Besides, how can I compete with a ghost of a woman who's always has been and forever will be perfect.

After a few minutes of silence he surprises me "It's alright if they call you mom or mommy".

I was damn surprised that I flick my gaze to him to engage his feelings, was he saying it for my sake or did he really mean it? Was it even real or did I imagine it out of hope and desperation?

"Yeah?" I ask with a hopeful smile. He has no idea how much this means to me. The world and all it entails.

"Yeah" He admits more surely this time.

"Are you sure?" I ask after a few seconds, just to make sure I was hearing right and my mind wasn't playing tricks on me by any evil means.

"Yes. They can call you mom, it'll do them more good than harm. But only if you're ok with it of course" He says and I squeal on the bed excitedly.

He chuckles and my heart skips a beat. I squeal again and launch into his arms "Thank you, I promise I won't disappoint!" I sputter excitedly and it when I leaned back it took me a second to realize how close we'd shifted. I basically threw myself at him!

We were so close, that our lips were millimeters away. We stared into each other deeply for a few moments. His gaze dropped to my lips and I see him visibly gulp.

I knew he wasn't fully ready for our first kiss and so I did the one thing I could in order to prevent him from kissing me and ruining it for us. I wanted him to be completely and fully ready. I didn't want him to kiss me just because, or in order to fill a void, or out of confusion and uncertainty. I wanted him to do it because he means it, because he wants me.

I kissed his cheek and whispered a quick 'thanks, good night' seeing his expression froze for a moment and before I could harbor a reaction out of him, I laid down onto my side in order to sleep, or dare I say dream of him, us.