We have another show tonight, I'm not looking forward to it. Something screams in me that he'll be there and this might be the day he acts out. I've felt that way so many times before, it's probably nothing like always. Yes, he might be there, but he can't hurt me. Right? There's too many people around. He could never lay a hand on me without someone noticing. It still scares me. Even if he can't, I'd be terrified by the attempt. The intrusive thoughts are torture.
I've thought about telling someone, but what would I say? Who would I tell? I'm an adult, I shouldn't need anyone else's protection or support. Out of anyone in the band, of course I'd tell Mike. Thinking about having that conversation just doesn't feel right. I can't pull him into this, he's helped me so much already and he overworks himself to death. I can't add to the stress he's already feeling. While I love everyone else in the band, I can't talk with them like I can with Mike. I don't want to be a burden.
I also have a feeling he'd want me to see the police, but that sounds terrifying. Telling strangers my dirty secrets with nothing to prove my word is true. Clueing them in would also make the situation too real. At least right now, I can calm myself with the assumption that I'm overreacting. He also hasn't hurt me during this time, do I have any ground to stand on legally? It's not like I'm seeing him around my house, just at the shows. He can't be stalking me.
A knock at the door shakes me from my thoughts. Instead of sharing a room with one of the others, I opted for my own. It must be one of them, updating me about the show later. When I opened it, nobody was there.
I didn't hesitate long before closing the door and locking it. Maybe the knocking was just in my head, maybe it wasn't real. Either way it didn't matter, there was nothing I could do about it.
I sit on the bed and put my face in my palms, releasing a pained sigh. I'm tired of living like this, constantly overwhelmed with anxiety. I have to remind myself to relax or my body remains tensed, ready to take off within a seconds notice. I don't want to deal with this anymore.
I've wasted so much of my life on him. Nothing I've done in the past helped me get away from him, what could I possibly do now? What does he want from me? Is he just scaring me? The questions are too much to handle. I wish I could stop my brain from running.
'Don't think too much,' I remember Mike saying to me last night. Probably the best advice anyone could possibly give me. My mind is definitely a dangerous place to be, yet I can't stay away - it's apart of me, there's no escape.
I decide to change into my workout gear and head for the hotel lobby to leave. There was a gym, but I didn't want to be around other people. I'll just run until I get tired. I have a few hours before the show anyway to recharge. Exercise is what I need to distract myself right now.
As I start to jog, I get a view of the gloomy spring sky. It smells like rain, yet the drizzle hasn't begun. The fresh air clears my head and I feel more energetic after just a few minutes of running. Working out helps, but it's another bandaid. I can't distract myself forever.
My phone buzzes in my pocket as it starts to lightly drizzle. I tug it out and notice it's Mike. I wonder what he wants. He was understanding when I said I wanted my own room this time. I answered it as I turned around to head back, not wanting to get caught in the rain.
"Hey, Mike," I greeted him as I walked, catching my breath.
"Hey, I tried knocking on your door, but you weren't there," He said, I'm overwhelmed with relief.
"That was you? You didn't even give me a second! I opened the door and you weren't there," I laughed, but he didn't chuckle with me.
"What? No, I meant I knocked just now. Right before I called you," He said and my heart plummeted. "Someone knocked on your door earlier?"
"Yeah, I don't know. Must've been some kid pulling a prank," I suggested.
"Maybe. Are you sure you don't want to share rooms? It's not a big deal if you don't, but I do miss having you around." Thankfully, he changed the subject.
"Mike, it's been one night. Everything's fine. I'm just enjoying the alone time."
"I understand that, I'm just curious if anything in particular brought this on," Mike questioned. I had to think about how honest I wanted to be. We were on the phone too, we couldn't get too serious. "You've told me being alone isn't good for you."
"It's not, but," I struggled to come up with an excuse. I didn't want to lie to him, but I also couldn't tell him the truth. "But I just need to be on my own at the moment. Trust me, I'm okay. I even went out for a jog, which is why I'm not there."
"Chester, I can't pretend anymore. I know you too well, something's been bothering you. I think it has been for a long time, but it's getting to you lately," He pointed out and my heart felt like it dropped into my stomach. I shouldn't be surprised, Mike's my closest friend. He's seen me at my weakest and helped guide me to my strongest. I've been trying to hide, but he sees straight through me.
"Yeah, you're right," I admitted. "But that doesn't change anything. I still need to handle it by myself. It's nothing personal against you, I just... I don't know what to say other than you don't have to worry about me."
"It's hard not to when it's interfering with your life. I don't know what it is, but it's obvious how much it hurts you. The others in the band noticed too, they brought it up to me, but I didn't know what to tell them. It made me realize how distant we've been lately. We make friendly chatter, but haven't sat down together to talk."
"We can talk, but I don't know how open I'll be. I really don't want to say much about it, please understand," I pleaded, hoping he was willing to settle on that instead of digging too much. I don't even know what I'd tell him. That my childhood abuser never left my life? That he's still lurking in the background?
"I understand, Ches. It's okay. I just want you to know that I'm serious, I'm always here for you. I want to at least know how you're feeling. Can we get together after your jog?"
"I'm on my way back now, I'll meet you at your room," I agreed. "See you soon."
