The next morning, we check into a new hotel. Mike and I decide to room together like we used to. After unpacking and unwinding for awhile, it's eventually time for our next show. I'm horribly uneasy thinking about the concert, afraid he'll be there like normal.
We have a meet and greet before preforming. It's one of the few things I feel like I can be excited about. Getting to meet fans one on one and hearing how our songs touched them is the best part about making music. Every time is different, I love seeing new faces.
Mike and I meet up with the rest of the band and we go to the venue together. We start off with soundcheck and greeting the opening bands. After, we enter a room where the meet and greet would happen. We have about a half hour to burn before fans would be let in.
"Hey, Ches. Feeling alright?" Mike asks, approaching me. I simply nod. He lowers his voice so no one else hears. "You slept a lot yesterday and had a panic attack. Are you sure?"
"I'm okay, Mike. It doesn't matter anyway, we have to preform," I remind him, trying to hint that I didn't want to talk about this right now.
"You're more important than the show," He argues.
"I don't want to disappoint the fans. Can we talk about it later?" I plead, hoping he'll just leave it alone for now. To my relief, he nods in agreement.
"I'm holding you to that though," He promises, bringing a small smile to my lips. It's a strange feeling knowing that he cares.
Before I know it, the meet and greet begins and I'm able to forget about everything for awhile. Some of our fans are hilarious and I can't help laughing at their jokes and funny stories. I received a few letters, even a cat plushie. A couple fans opened up to me about hardships in their life, claiming I helped them through it. I never know the right way to respond. I want to tell them they did it, with their own strength. Whenever I've done that, they disagree. I wish they could see how tough they are, they did it themselves.
Once the meet and greet is over, we have awhile before going on stage. The other bands have soundcheck and preform before us. The fans we saw would wait in the front row of the venue. A cigarette craving comes on and I decide to step outside for one. Before I go, Mike gently grasps my arm.
"I'll be right back," I promise, he squeezes his grasp. I know he doesn't like that I've been smoking again, but hasn't said anything about it.
"I love you," He says sincerely, looking deep into my eyes. My heart pounds in my chest, face flaring up.
"I love you too," I respond and he lets me slip away.
After getting out a back door of the building I sit against the wall. I light my cigarette and take a deep drag. I was able to forget about everything, but now I'm crashing. I can't avoid thinking about it no matter how much I try. I brought some of the letters I got from fans with me and decided to start reading them. I needed a distraction and I love hearing from them.
The first one I opened was incredibly bittersweet. A young fan, struggling with bullies at school and divorced parents at home, finding comfort in our music. It reminded me of when I was their age. They left an email address at the bottom, I should respond later on.
The second envelope felt different than the others, as if there were small pieces of paper inside. Upon opening it, I realized there were just a couple pictures, no letter. Turning the photos around, I nearly drop them. My eyes widen, breath caught in my throat. I don't know what to think, my mind draws a blank on how to react other than freeze up.
One of the pictures was just me, alone, in bed. Another was Mike and I sleeping next to each other. The last was Mike facing me in a towel, his body blocking view of the coffees in my hands - it looks bad. They were all from the last hotel.
I really didn't want to believe he was responsible for putting the cameras in there. While I can't deny what he's doing anymore, I still crave ignorance. I don't know why I'm stuck in denial even if he's directly in front of me. I'm terrified and I've felt that way for a long time, even when I was adamant that he wasn't stalking me. I can't help being afraid. I don't know what he wants, he hasn't expressed anything other than angry eyes.
I wonder why he sent these photos. Is he planning to use them against me? Is he threatening to release the pictures and claim Mike and I are together if I tell anyone about what he did in the past? I don't understand. He hasn't even tried talking to me, just creeping me out. I also wonder how the envelope was even given to me. He wasn't among the fans during the meet and greet. Did he ask a fan to give it to me? I'm confused and tired of it all. I don't know what to do.
I'm scared Mike's getting pulled into this without even knowing what's going on. What if the photos are released regardless? What would he think? Would he hate me? Would he never trust me again? I know I need to tell him, but it gives me so much anxiety that I don't think I can do it. He's already worried about me, I don't want to add any stress to his life.
I wish I knew what to do and how to handle this. It doesn't feel like I could simply ask for help, definitely not anymore. What if he put cameras in our new hotel room? On the tour bus even? What if he could hear what we said? There's nothing I can do. I'm so tired, there has got to be an end to the pain I feel when I'm awake and alive.
