Honestly, I was extremely nervous going to Mike's room. He said he wouldn't press, but I can't be sure. He's so intuitive and knows me too well. I feel like I can't lie to him either.
The rain outside has picked up, I hear thunder as I hesitate in front of Mike's door. I'm scared of opening up, afraid I'll reveal too much. I fear he won't take me seriously if I admit what's happening. It's best to avoid talking about it as much as I can. Before I gain the courage to knock, his door opens.
"Oh, hey, Chester. I was just going to come look for you. Come in," He stepped aside, inviting me in. I take a deep breath and enter, sitting on the couch across from the bed - where he decided to sit. "How was your jog?"
"Interrupted by the rain, but it's fine. I'll just hit the gym after the concert tonight, if I have the energy for it," I shrug. "How have you been?"
"Pretty good, been assisting management lately. Somehow I know more than them about the tour details," He chuckles, then smiles at me. "I don't mind, you know I love to keep busy."
"Yeah, you're a workaholic," I laugh and nudge his shoulder playfully. "You should take it easy."
"That's what Brad keeps telling me. He says he can handle it instead, but I genuinely enjoy doing it. I like making plans and keeping them organized," He insisted. "Enough about that stuff though, we're here to talk about you."
"We don't have to," I suggest, he immediately shakes his head. "I told you to trust me, I'm okay."
"I do trust you, Ches, but there's no shame in asking for help and I think you need it. I noticed a long time ago something was up and figured you'd talk to me if you needed to. When you started distancing yourself, I grew concerned and decided to step in," He explains his side and I understand where he's coming from. After joining the band, it eventually became easy opening up to Mike. He must've been concerned when I suddenly stopped.
"Thank you for being here and caring about me, but you don't need to worry. I've been pretty anxious lately, but I'll get over it," I tried to reassure him, but I'm sure he noticed the wavering in my voice. I hate lying to him, saying I'll get over this, but I have no choice. He's starting to push.
"Anxious about what?" He pried, I felt my face heating up. I don't know how to respond without lying or telling the truth.
"Just in general, high anxiety," I vaguely reply, hoping he'll drop it.
"Why are you experiencing that?" He always had a response to counter with. I couldn't avoid the subject. I don't want to tell him.
"Been... thinking about the past," I say honestly. He nods and leans closer, resting a hand on my knee. "You know what happened."
"Somewhat, you didn't say much, just that it happened," He reminded me. I only told him I was sexually abused by an older male friend, not that he also continued to follow me afterwards. "I understand if it's too hard to talk about, but if you want to tell me more, I'm here."
"I..." The words feel lost. I won't tell him I see my abusers face in the crowd all the time, but I'd like to talk about what happened. Even if it disgusts me and I fear Mike's reaction, it'd be nice to have him understand. If something did happen, he could confirm our talk at the very least.
However, we have a show tonight. I don't know if I can handle sharing traumatic memories then facing thousands of people. Especially since there's always a chance he'll be there. I don't want to have a public freak out.
"I want to, but I don't know if it's the best time," I sigh, he moves his hand from his knee to hold my hand instead.
"We can talk about it after the show if you want or tomorrow since it's our day off," He suggests, I nod in agreement. "Sorry for bringing all this up now, I should've thought about that."
"It's okay, I just appreciate that you're here for me. I don't know what I'd do without you," I smiled and stood up to leave, needing to get ready. He stands as well and pulls me into his arms, holding me tightly.
"I don't know what I'd do without you either, Ches, seriously. You're my other half," He gently kisses the top of my head and let's me go. "Go get ready for the show. Why are you always sweaty when I hug you?"
"I warned you I was out jogging," I laugh as he rolls his eyes. "From now on, just assume I'm sweaty unless I say otherwise."
"If you insist," He laughs. "Okay, I'll see you later before we leave."
"Thanks again, Mike."
"Don't thank me, I've done nothing," He smiles while I shake my head at him. I leave his room and head to mine, deciding I should shower.
I'm thankful I didn't have to open up to Mike, even though I really want to. It's hard confronting my past and telling him is admitting it's true. He may have pushed a little, but I'm lucky he's so caring and understanding. Through thick and thin, he's always there. The glue that holds the band together.
Hopefully, he won't be at the show tonight. I don't think I'll be able to talk to Mike if I see him. I shudder at the thought. I hate seeing his face, how it makes me feel, how nothing I do can make him go away. I can't deal with this anymore.
After a long shower, I slowly get dressed for the show. I'm especially anxious about it now, not wanting it to affect me later. Mike wants to know more and he should, he's helped me more than I can express. Even if I see him there, I shouldn't let it control me. I need to overcome this and talk to Mike regardless of what happens. I have to take back what's mine - myself.
