On the stage, I can't help smiling at all the cheerful faces in front of me. My heart swells as they sing along, touched by the passion in their voices. They make performing fun and push me to keep doing what I love regardless of who may be amongst them.
The lights are on top of us tonight, rather than in front, making it easy to look into the crowd. I've been intentionally avoiding the front row, afraid to even look at them. It's probably best I don't even watch out for him anymore, I just need to ignore him.
A bright flash suddenly catches my attention and I subconsciously glance their way. I tense and stop singing, breath hitched in my throat. The tightness in my chest hurts from fear. Mike comes up and gently taps my shoulder, reminding me I'm on stage. I start singing again while gazing at my bandmates, hoping they'll forgive me. The crowd didn't seem to mind, probably assuming I felt touched by the song and choked up.
Another flash and my hands start shaking. He's taking pictures of me and making it painfully obvious. Is it because I tried ignoring him? Is he intentionally trying to get my attention? I can't stop trembling, but push myself through the rest of the song. When it's over, I walk over to Mike.
"I'm sorry," I apologize softly, taking a deep breath with my back towards the crowd. I needed a minute away, I can't process the fact that he's taking pictures.
"Don't apologize, I understand. You haven't been feeling great, don't blame yourself. Nobody's upset," His response makes me smile and we give each other a side hug before going to the next song.
It's hard to continue when the flashes occur throughout the show. Why is he taking so many photos? I can't stop shaking through the rest of the concert. I don't understand his actions at all. What does he want from me?
After the show, all I can think about is a cigarette. I'm terrified of him confronting me while I'm outside, but he hasn't any other time and I need it. Without saying much to my bandmates, I leave the venue and sit against the building. For a moment, I just rest my head against my knees, trying to relax myself. I was trembling for a long time, I'm exhausted. Eventually, I decide to light the cigarette.
"Ches?" Mike's voice calls out to me and I panic. I don't want to disappoint him by revealing I only cut back on smoking, however I can't hide it. The smell is obvious and I don't have time to get rid of the evidence. Instead of putting it out, I simply continue until he finds me. "Hey, Ches."
"Hey," I respond shyly, afraid of his reaction. He sits beside me on the ground, so close that our shoulders are touching.
"Are you okay?" He asks and I nod, taking another puff. He hasn't said anything about it yet. "You were on edge the whole time."
"Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm also sorry about..." I trailed off, gesturing to the cigarette. He smiles and shrugs his shoulder.
"I get it, I wasn't going to say anything," He assured me and I feel tears in my eyes. I was so ready for a negative response. He obviously doesn't support it, but he knows there's bigger problems to handle. "Was it the flashes? Someone in the front row kept taking pictures, it was super distracting. Who uses flash at a concert?"
"Yeah," I vaguely agree it was the problem, even if just part of it. I finish the cigarette and put it out.
"I'm sorry, Ches. Do you wanna wait until tomorrow to talk? You look tired," He offers and I nod my head quietly. He seems concerned as he tugs me into his arms while we're sitting down. I can't help the peaceful sigh that escapes me. There's something so comforting about being wrapped in Mike's arms - a layer of love and protection.
"Thank you," I utter quietly. He kisses the top of my head and smiled when he pulls away.
"I haven't done anything," He objects, standing up and offering me a hand. He helps me rise, then continues staring at me while holding it. He gives it a tight squeeze. "Are you staying here for awhile or going back to the hotel?"
"I haven't decided," I shrug and run a hand through my hair.
"I miss sharing rooms with you," He confesses and my heart melts. "Are you sure you want to be by yourself? Because I'd rather be with you."
"I..." My cheeks heat up, he makes me feel so appreciated. I do miss being around him, but things are hard right now. I can't help when my mind goes out of control and I'd rather he didn't worry about me. It's also our last night before hitting the road again. "I miss sharing rooms with you too, but I think I need a little more time to myself. The next hotel we go to, we can room together."
"Okay, Ches. I still want us to talk tomorrow, whether it be before we leave or even on the bus. I think this is too important to put off," He admits, I nod my head in agreement.
"We will, I promise. We'll see what happens and chat when it's convenient. This isn't a talk I can have so openly, you know. I don't want anyone else to know these things."
"I understand. I'm happy you trust me," He smiles and pulls me in for one more hug. "I'm going to head back. Send me a message when you leave, so I know you're safe."
"Okay, I will," I promise and watch him leave.
After Mike and I talked a bit, I nearly forgot about what happened at the show tonight. I tremble again when I remember. It's just so creepy to me that he once sexually abused me and is now taking pictures of me. Yet, he hasn't hurt me again. I invalidate my fears. I just want to pretend nothing ever happened.
