Sighing deeply, I wait by myself for the meet and greet to start. Nobody in the band has spoken to me since my conversation with Brad. I'm not sure if it's intentional, sometimes they keep to themselves and we don't talk much. I'm worried they're all upset with me because of what happened between Mike and I.
The feeling of loneliness weighs down my heart and mind. On top of that, I'm incredibly anxious about tonight. I don't know what he's up to, but it can't be good. By the end of the night, I know I'll be in some sort of panic. It's not something I look forward to. The shows that used to excite me are just another thing to be scared of now.
I should've sucked it up and told Mike everything in the car. It shouldn't matter that the others were with, he needs to know. My selfishness and fright is going to tear my friendships apart if it hasn't already. This is all my fault.
"Meet and greet is starting."
Someone from the venue poked their head into the room, informing us to get going. We head over to a different room, where the fans were already waiting. As soon as I enter, I make eye contact with him. I can't stop myself from stiffening and I quickly leave the room, hearing someone follow closely behind. Tears are pouring down my face before the door even closed.
Whoever perused me puts their hand on my shoulder and I jolt back while turning around. When I see it's Brad, the fear melts away so fast that I cry harder. He pulls me into a tight hug. I can't believe he's at the meet and greet. How am I supposed to go through with this? I can't keep my composure when he's right in front of me.
"What happened, Ches? Are you alright?" Brad asks gently, sounding a bit shocked by my outburst.
"I-I'm okay..." I trail off, afraid to say more. I don't know what to do, everything happens so fast.
"If it's about Mike, don't worry about it. I talked with him and he's not mad at you. He's just concerned and frustrated. He said he'd talk to you after the show," He tries to reassure me, however it's not why I'm freaking out. I nod to show I understood, not wanting to speak. I'm afraid I'll meltdown further if talk. "Do you need a minute?"
"Yeah," I struggle to confirm. "Thank you, Brad."
"Anytime, Ches. We all love you," He smiles and continues hugging me. I'm thankful he at least let me know the others didn't hate me. It takes a little weight off my shoulders.
I'm so scared. I don't want to go back in that room. Seeing his face sets me off, knowing he's there makes me want to runaway. I can't disappoint the fans or my bandmates. I just need to make it through tonight. After this is all over, I'll tell Mike everything. His reaction to it doesn't matter anymore, it's already out of hand.
"Let's go in," I suggest, pulling away from Brad. I wipe the tears from my eyes and take several deep breaths. He eyes me uncertainly as I regain my composure.
"Are you sure?" He asks, I immediately nod while trying not to overthink it. "Okay."
We go back in and I see they've already started going around the group of fans. I ignore him the best I can and greet everyone else. We line up after to see them individually and take pictures.
I focus purely on the fan in front of me as we go down the line. It's halfway over before I know it. A headache grows stronger the closer he gets to me. I'm constantly fidgeting with something, trying to avoid reality. Mike has been side-eying me since I ran out of the room.
When it's his turn, I fight every instinct I have in that moment. My body wants to run, my mind says freeze, but my soul wants to fight back. Showing him my fear will only let him win. He's doing this to get a reaction out of me, I need to quit giving that to him
"Hi, big fan," he smiles as he starts talking to Mike who's at the start of the line. He seems to have taken the compliment genuinely and grins in return.
"Thanks, man," Mike is given something I can't see. He puts a hand on Mike's arm and leans towards him, whispering something. I can't help wondering what he's saying as Mike simply nods.
He spends about 5 minutes talking to each band member. I'm at the end of the line and can't help feeling more and more terrified as he gets closer. I'm trying not to react, but my body won't stop trembling and my teeth clench together. When he gets to Brad, who's beside me, he talks for much longer about anything and everything - not making much sense. He rambles about unrelated things and I could tell Brad was confused, but didn't say much back.
When he's finally done, he looks at me with his familiar hateful glare. My heart drops and legs feel like jelly. His eyes go from my head to my feet, then return to my eyes. He smiles without saying a word to me and gestures for one of the camera men to come take our picture. I don't even move, a frown is practically tattooed to my lips. His arm circles me and pulls me in as close as possible. The flash makes me flinch. He gestures for the rest of the band to join in on a photo and they do. Another flash, my knees feel weak. He's almost fully supporting my frozen body.
He finally lets me go and I quickly move as far from him as possible. Nobody in the band seemed to notice and moved on to the next fan. Tears are uncontrollably falling out of my eyes, but I hide my face in my sleeves and take deep breaths. Surely that was the worst thing that could happen tonight, at least it was over. I just need to control my emotions and get through the rest of the day.
