Carter

Chapter 9

  Carter's pov-

I'm not sure I really like how cold it is in New York, but I know this vodka is definitely helping warm me up. I'm not much of a drinker but I really needed it. The past week Caspian and Callum have been grilling me about my medical files. It took a little bit of work but I was able to wipe the files from their devices. I also made sure the rest of my files are on lock down. I can't risk them getting access to the others.

I've gotten a collective six hours of sleep in the past week, I've had four panic attacks, and I haven't eaten in three days because every time I try I have a panic attack. So now, I'm sitting on the roof with a bottle of vodka at three in the morning. I have to be up for " school" in three hours. I have no real intentions of going to school, I plan on leaving school and heading to my building in the city.

I laid back and closed my eyes. I'm just so tired. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I don't know how I'm going to keep taking care of Miles, I'm barely still functioning. I can't even take care of myself, how am I going to take care of a baby? Sometimes I wonder if things would've been better if I had given Miles up. That's what Chris and Natalie wanted me to do.

I thought about it but I just couldn't handle the thought of giving him away to someone else. But I can't help but think someone else could've given him a better life. He could've had normal parents, maybe even siblings. Two things I can't give him. I also can't provide a stable household. But on the other hand I can't imagine my life without him, he keeps me going.

I don't know, I guess I just feel guilty. I don't want to fuck him up, I want to give him everything I never had. I don't want him to grow up and resent me. I think that's my biggest fear, that I'll turn into my mother and make my child resent me. I let out a deep breath, watching my breath float away in front of me. I really hate the cold.

" Caspian's gonna kill you." I jumped up at the sound of Casper's voice. Jesus, my heart literally jumped out of my chest. I put a hand over my heart, " Fuck, you nearly killed me." I whispered, laying back down. I heard him walk over and lay down next to me. I raised the bottle to my lips and took another swig. I'm so fucked.

As soon as the bottle left my lips Casper snatched it out of my hand and took a swig. I went to reach for the bottle but he moved it out of my reach, " I think you've had enough." he teased. I rolled my eyes, still staring up at the sky. It was a cloudy night so I couldn't see any stars but it was still peaceful watching the clouds move rapidly across the sky, illuminated by the moon.

" You wanna tell me why you're drinking on the roof at 3a.m.?" he asked. I let out a humorless laugh, " Well, I couldn't pass on this view of the beautiful night sky." I said, gesturing to the dark, cloudy sky. I felt his hand grasp mine, " Carter, what's going on with you? You've been more withdrawn than usual. You don't come down for meals, or really for anything, you've been locked in your room for the past week. We're all worried about you."

I let out a quiet sigh, " I'm in a house full of strangers, did you really expect anything different?" I asked incredulously. He turned his head to look at me but I kept my gaze on the sky, " Don't bullshit me." he said, a slight edge in his tone. Part of me wanted to tell him to fuck off but the other part knew better than to piss him off. I can't risk him telling the others about Miles being my son.

" I'm just adjusting." I lied, shifting uncomfortably. He let out a sigh as he sat up, his hand still clasped with mine. " When I was eight Natalie and her friend beat me within an inch of my life. They left me bloody and bruised on my bedroom floor. I was lying there for six hours before my dad found me. I was in the hospital for three weeks before I was stable enough to be released. And you know what the worst part was? I still loved her, because she was my mom." he said, his eyes focused on a leaf that was pasted to the roof.