Carter

Chapter 17

 Carter's pov-

We had a funeral for Miles two days later. It was the worst day of my life. I had to decide whether I wanted to cremate him or bury him. How am I supposed to make that decision? Whether I should put my son in the ground or turn him into ashes. That's a decision no parent should ever have to make. No parent should ever have to suffer through the loss of their child.

I decided I wanted him cremated. I haven't found my forever home yet but I know when I do that I'll want him there with me. The ceremony was small. It was just my brothers and I. No one said anything, I couldn't bring myself to. I planted a purple leaf sand cherry tree in the backyard for him. I thought it'd make me feel better. It didn't.

I think today has been one of the worst days of my life. His soul has stained mine, permanently marking me. Taunting me, in the way that it's a constant reminder of him and that I'll never see him again. I'm never going to be able to hug him again or tell him how much I love him and how absolutely fucking grateful I am that I got to have him in my life. Nothing, and I truly mean nothing will ever compare to Miles.

I keep looking around my room and all I see are reminders of him. HIs clothes, his crib, his scent, even the marks he's left on my body. I stared at my stretch marks for a solid two hours, thinking of him while tracing them all. He's all around me but he's not here with me. He wasn't even a year old, I wasn't even able to protect him for a solid year.

Maybe Chris and Natalie were right, maybe I should've given him up for adoption. At least then he would've been safe, at least he'd be alive. I failed him in so many ways. I wish I could go back in time and fix things. I can't believe I'm saying this but I wish I had listened to my mother. He would've been better off without me. Everyone would be better off without me.

Everywhere I go tragedy follows. It's only a matter of time before I get my brothers killed. Maybe I should just kill myself before I get everyone else killed. Why is it that death goes where I go? Maybe it's a curse, or maybe I'm just unlucky. Yeah, unlucky, that must be it.

" Carter?" Casper called out, climbing through my window and onto the roof. I've been up here for four hours, staring down at Miles' tree. Casper carefully crawled over and took a seat next to me, warily eyeing the now empty bottle of vodka next to me. " You drank the entire bottle?" he asked, surprised. I mean, it's not like I have to worry about breastfeeding anymore so why not drink the whole bottle?

I ignored him and let myself lay back on the cold tiles of the roof. It was a clear night, the sky was full of stars, like a forest full of trees. " I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink on the roof anymore. It's not safe, you could fall." he lectured weakly. I hope I fall, if I'm lucky it'll kill me. At least then I'd be with my son again.

I wonder if he can see me right now. I've never believed in heaven or god or any of that stuff but I kind of like the thought of being able to look up at the sky and think he's up there. Because at least then he'd still be with me in some way, because no matter where you go there's always a sky.

" Do you want to talk about it?" he asked me quietly. Do I want to talk about it? Do I want to talk about the fact that I got my son killed? That he's dead because of me. That I failed as a mother, as a parent. No, I really don't want to talk about it. What do I want? My son back. But I'm not naive enough to believe that'll actually happen, the dead don't come back.

" I'm so sorry, Carter. But I need you to know it wasn't your fault, there is nothing you could've done to prevent this." he said, slinging an arm around my shoulders. There were so many things I could've done. How dare he try and tell me it isn't my fault. I shrugged his arm off and stood up. I walked over to the edge of the roof and looked down.