Chapter 10
I sometimes question God, I have been questioning him a lot. My crisis of faith has gotten worse over the time, I am those people who are just exhausted. I sometimes think I was meant to suffer, like that's why I am on earth. To suffer and just that alone? Makes me doubt his entire existence.
My father died, I suddenly became a breadwinner and put all my dreams on hold. They were on hold for so long that even when I had the opportunity of pursuing them I was scared of God taking that little happiness away from me.
I loved Sabelo. Maybe not for the right reasons but I loved him enough to try and be everything that he wanted me to be. I accepted that and accepted that it's all I deserved
Then Zuko came along. He made fall in love with the possibility, made me laugh again and just welcome happiness. But even that wasn't easy. I am tired of God, I am actually exhausted.
I sometimes feel like Job from the Bible, In the course of one day, Job received four messages. Each with separate news that his livestock, servants, and 10 children had all died. He continued to be a faithful servant. He still prays to God. He persevered. Job's faith was tested, and he passed the test. And for his faith, God rewarded Job with twice of what he had before.
But unlike Job, I don't know if I can handle the tests anymore.
#
Day 51
" Is he awake?"
I asked the nurse, she nodded then made her way out of his room. Zuko did give me the best 8 days of my life, in 8 days I knew he was the best thing that has ever happened to me. In those 8 days I missed the signs of the disease slowly starting to make way in his body. He started with losing feeling in his toes. He'd pause and we would both laugh at how he gets tingles like he's about to orgasm.
Think on day 25 he couldn't get out of bed, that's when I knew it was starting to get serious. We went to hospital but he was discharged after 4 days, we got home and on that same day he was in so much pain because of his back.
Day 35 he couldn't walk nor speak, he was wetting the bed and then he got paralyzed. I called the ambulance and he has been hospitalized since then. In hospital he kept deteriorating and he got pneumonia. I couldn't even recognize him anymore. The weight loss, each day he had different specialists. I visited him everyday and I would speak to him just tell him but all the silly things, each week I printed pictures of my stomach and stories next to each picture. Not much growth for now.
His parents still hate me, I have accepted that part. I don't think I care enough to let it bother me. I have waaaaay too much to deal with, and I don't understand them. Their son is dying and they are taking me to court to evacuate the house. Yes, Samke and Zuko's parents are taking me to court for eviction and another thing, Fuck I forgot what it's called. See? I have so much going on that I'll even go to jail for things I don't know. Solicitation for money which apparently is illegal. Again a reach on her part, Zuko signed over his car to me after Samke beat me up. Which I took photos of like he said I should, the house Zuko and I live in was bought by him but paid of by my subsidy. Because that was the only way I could feel comfortable with taking that gift. They didn't even investigate anything. She never even filed the papers, she misspelled or signed something on the papers and they had new ones drawn up because to file everything needed to be right. So they are still married. I don't even have a lawyer but Ezile's mother offered her services probono because she thinks they are "bullying" me and I agree. For that I Am counter suing for assault
" He's awake"
The nurse said and I got up from the chair then went inside his room.
Me" Can I lay next to him?"
He was covered in wires, I didn't even recognize him anymore but I still love him.
Nurse" 5 minutes"
Me" I'll take it"
He looked at me and I smiled at him, he blinked and I laughed because that means he wants a kiss.
"I missed you"
I didn't say much after that just rested on his chest and gently sobbed because I am exhausted. I winced and I moved my head and looked at him.
Me" I am exhausted from everything"
Zuko" The...*clears throat * tha"
Me" I will handle it without dragging you in it"
Zuko" I love you"
Me" I love you too"
His uncle walked in while I was telling Zuko about how much the dog has grown.
Malume" Tshini Azange"
Me" Molo Malume"
Zuko". I was about to speak to her"
Me" About"
I could tell his throat his sore, so I helped him drink some water then looked at his uncle as he spoke;
He's being transferred to Durban, upon research and a lot of calls this move will be better for him and his recovery. Zuko will soon lose his ability to talk nawe uyazi some days he can barely form a sentence"
He said I squeezed Zuko's hand.
Me" When"
Zuko" T...oni...ght"
My phone rang again after I had ignored it the first time. It was my little sister.
" It's Kungawo"
I answered and the first thing I heard was her sobbing.
"Azange!!!!!"
Me" What's wrong?"
Kungawo" Mama passed away"
Like I said God does not deserve my loyalty.
Me" Ndiyeza Ngawo, I will drive there now"
"Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?"
