My Hot Roommates [mxm+]

(NEW CHAP) ʚ part 2: chapter 4 ɞ

despite the votes + views on this chapter, it is NEWLY WRITTEN as of october 2022! i repeat, it's newly written! be sure to give it a read >B)

Nathan's POV

Therapy has been helping immensely. I found it weird, however, how no one talks about how it stays being difficult. A whole month of regularly visiting two or more times a week and talking about my feelings, my thoughts, hasn't gotten any easier.

But in a weird way, I am glad. Because in just that one month, I've been able to sort out my mind. It wasn't all just a jumbled mess anymore. I could actually think. I could think, and I could know why I'm thinking whatever it is I'm thinking.

It feels good being in control of my body again. Although, I have yet to have complete control. It's been a long journey, and really, the journey has only just begun.

Anxiety.

It's a weird thing. I personally had never thought I'd have to deal with it. Depression? Maybe a bit, seeing as I had parental issues growing up. But anxiety? Of all things, anxiety? Caring about other people's opinions?

It didn't scream Nathan. Because it wasn't. Not until recently, at least.

I still feel those weird eyes on me. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, whether I'm alone or not. I still feel them. And I just hate it. Doctor Rorden says they'll go away as time passes, as I heal, but so far they've been the exact same as when they first showed up. Always watching.

Now, I've been better at ignoring them. At finding ways to pretend they don't exist.

Remember, Rorden had said, there is no reason to be afraid. There is no real danger. All you're doing is minding your own business in front of people. Walking, talking, sitting, whatever it is that you're doing. You're not putting on a live performance, Nathan. You're simply living your life. There's nothing to be afraid of when what you're doing is as simple as breathing.

I guess, in a weird way, reminding myself that I'm not in danger helps. I'll, say, go to get a cup of coffee and stop dead in my tracks, feeling afraid and not at ease. Then, when I remind myself I'm not in danger, I'll at least be able to unfreeze. To continue walking and get my said cup of coffee.

But what happens when I'm then unable to remind myself? What happens when it consumes me alive, as it once almost had? What happens then? Who's to remind me I'm not in danger, though in the face of danger I might be?

It's weird. I do not like it. I don't like anxiety. I don't like having these weird issues with my brain, and having to constantly remind myself of things a five-year-old would already understand. I just feel childish and stupid. Incompetent.

Although, I suppose that's what I am, huh? Incompetent.

Completely and utterly so incompetent. But no matter how many times I try to say I'm useless, that I'm unworthy, Rorden doesn't allow it.

She says it's normal for adults--especially for adults--to have these moments where their brain acts all weird. Apparently it's what happens when adults try to be adults for too long. Because, in her words, adults shouldn't have to try to be adults. They shouldn't actively be doing that for so long. They should just be living, because by living they'd be adults by nature.

It's a weird concept, one I have yet to fully comprehend.

One thing we talked about a lot, other than the anxiety ordeal, is my past relationship with Adam and Drake. She wanted me to take it slow, so instead of telling her about the most recent events, we began at the very start.