Braindead Rants (Shank Me Up)

The Paranoia Rant

I just want to talk about my paranoia and the different ways it affects me because holy shit do I need to vent and as always I hope that someone can relate.

I have different levels of lows. You might think of a bad low as wanting to drink and smoke and cut yourself, but to me that's nowhere near the worst I've tried because I've tried being paranoid. For multiple reasons this is way way way harder for me to get through.

1. The violent urge

First of all, when I'm paranoid I don't want to drink or smoke or cut, hell, I don't even want to kill myself. The only urge I have is the urge to "cut a hole in my chest and rip the paranoia out", which in itself is scary enough as I'm very literal about it and it's a violent urge. It's not something I want to do at all, but it's the urge I get from not being able to feel comfort in my usual coping mechanisms. It's scary as fuck to be honest. Every day of having these episodes all I want is to go to a ward because I'd rather be in a hospital for something psychological and treatable than inevitably giving into the violent urge and ending up in another hospital for something physical and maybe not as curable.

2. Insanity

 I feel like I'm going crazy. I used to have a very little amount of people who had paranoia too and could feed my delusions. As unhealthy as that is, it's all I found comfort in, but lately it's gotten so bad that said people would drop me as well and go "Holden I actually don't see anything wrong with this?" I end up feeling so violently alone and it's no one's fault because I can't help giving into the paranoia, and they're just using whatever rationality they have left. I also end up feeling violently stupid because usually I feel that I have control over my paranoia, I'm very aware of why and what I feel. The problem is that when I'm aware is any other time than when I actually say something impulsively paranoid, do you know what I mean? I tend to snap into my paranoia with no control and make a couple comments about how I'm suspicious about someone and then quickly snap back into my normal mind where I'm able to control what comes out of my mouth. This is scary too because it feels like I'm watching myself grow more and more mentally ill every day.

3. Control

It depends how you define 'new' but to me paranoid episodes are new. They started around November last year and I still do not know how to handle them because it takes away the only thing I had in my other 'low' episodes: control. I've always had the power to 'pretend' and keep my bad feelings to myself and run my social life like normal, but with paranoia it's very different. It's something that makes me react in social situations too which isn't something I've experienced with fx drinking problems which I could sit and fiddle with on my own. As I said before, I'll let paranoid me react to a situation and then normal me mourn over it. Paranoia does not affect my behaviour or my health or my thoughts, it controls them. I'm unable of being in myself when I don't have control over my emotions which I assume is why I get the violent urge I mentioned before. It's so hard for me to keep my mind inside my body when I lack constant control, which is why I want to 'blow up' or 'rip my chest open', it feels like my body needs to dissociate to cope but I'm unable to.

Does anyone know what I mean?

(I have a doctor's appointment to get an inquiry for a psychiatric evaluation, I'll get this shit in check in a couple months so don't worry too much lol)