Braindead Rants (Shank Me Up)

The Smut Rant

Alright. Smut. Familiar subject right? I see right thru you, you definitely read that shit. I'm gonna talk about how unrealistic it is (mostly books where the bottom is a virgin) bc I want to, idc if it was a 14yrold virgin who wrote it. PS I'm not gonna be some annoying asshole who just got fucked for the first time and pretends he's a sex god now, naw I'm a hooker so I feel I'm qualified to be talkin about it. 

~~~

NSFW warning ig so prolly dont read it if ur like under 16, but this is wattpad so you've seen worse.

(Also this is based on personal experience).

I just read a smut one shot for the shits of it for the first time in ages, and the obvious thing that stands out is these bottoms PAIN TOLERANCE dude. "He put one finger in and it felt weird, he put two in and it stung a little bit, then he fucked me and at first it hurt but the pain quickly turned into pleasure". Cap. Anyone who has lost their virginity back there knows that even one finger hurts, two are really a stretch, three makes you cry. Plus there's no way that during your first.... bum experience, you're getting an ENTIRE DICK up there. Unless you're fucking a two itch punisher. Obviously it does turn into pleasure at one point, but these stories are a SERIOUS stretch.

Also let me quote myself quoting someone: "he put one finger in and it felt weird". It doesn't feel weird, it feels like you're shitting. Naturally. It's the same hole.

Then you got all that cum-swallowing. I don't know which taste bud genetics these guys have but I want them. The first time you taste cum you're not gonna straight up swallow it. That shit is horribly revolting and even being experienced, I almost puke every time someone cums in my mouth. It's not just 'a warm salty liquid', it's a gross texture, it's uncomfortably warm, it comes in heavy spurts, it tastes really bad. You're not gonna eat that shit up the first time, if ever. Last time someone came in my mouth, I almost threw up.

Also something you maybe didn't know, a lot of bottoms like... spray water up their ass before sex. To flush shit out basically. A lot of dudes losing their virginity back there doesn't even know this (I know I didn't) so when the top in a smut story pulls out after sex... he's most likely not gonna be greeted with a pleasant sight. Which is also never mentioned, but I guess that one is for obvious reasons. But seriously, it's surprisingly common to shit on your tops dick.

I don't know if this is a hot take but I think the "porn is so warped" saying is super exaggerated. "No one moans that much, you just breathe loudly," nah idk about you but when I lost my virginity I was moaning like fucking Sasha Grey because it hurts, it's new, it's interesting, it feels funny, it's exciting, it feels good, y'know? Plus yes, porn is obviously staged, but it doesn't mean the positions or such aren't based off of real sex, you are gonna find yourself in a position you saw in a porn video sometime in your life. And you're gonna do it just as well as the person from the video. Sex is way more like porn than I thought it would be.