More Than Love (NG3)

5 - Expect

Sasha's insecurities kept her from contacting Laney. She couldn't think of her as her daughter. She gave up that right when she handed her to the social worker. Tucked away in her closet, she had a memory box. Inside were a few pictures of her pregnant and some of the newborn. She spent twenty-four hours with her. During that time, she hardly slept. Instead she tried to memorize every moment, knowing it would be all she would ever have.

She didn't give her up because she didn't love her. Her reason was the opposite. She loved her, but could never take care of her. Her pregnancy had been a secret from her family and the people she loved.

Sasha looked back with regret, but never for giving up her baby. The paper letter had already become soft from wear. She had read it hundreds of times. Her mind turned over phrases - loving parents, happy childhood.

She was naïve to think she could give her baby away and return to her life unscathed. The experience changed her, and she had lost so much more.

It had been years since she thought of Jake Watson as much as she had in the past week. He had dark hair like Davis, but that was where the similarities ended. It was hard to compare when Jake was a boy, just eighteen, and Davis was a man when she met him five years after she left Jake.

Her decisions at eighteen widened the gap between her and her family. Although she made the decision to give up her baby alone, she resented her parents for putting her between a rock and a hard place. Her father was a minister in a nondenominational bible church. Jake's family attended her father's church. At eighteen, the fear of her parents finding out she had sex was paralyzing. Both their fathers would make Jake marry her. Jake would have, but Sasha had refused to destroy his dreams. It was easier to disappear and do it on her own.

It had been simple to hide, because her father's church was floundering, so he and her mother moved to South Carolina to start a new church. They left behind a trail of rumors. Prior to their hasty departure, questions arose about the church financials and a gambling habit. The man she was afraid to tell about her pregnancy preached morals every Sunday in exchange for people's donations and charity. Except his own morals were askew since he gambled the donations often leaving the pantry in his house empty.

As a child, when she needed something, she was told to pray for it, but Sasha questioned her entire upbringing in the months after she gave her baby away. The minimal relationship she had with her parents severed completely when she married a twice divorce man eleven years her senior. She was close to God in her own way. Her religion was in the ocean and the smiles of her neighbors.

Feeling alone, just as she had in the hospital room twenty-five years before when she handed over her baby, she took a deep breath. She wanted to talk to her daughter. Her letter provided an email address and phone number. She considered phoning, but as her hand shook, she changed her mind.

Instead, she typed an email.

Dear Laney,

I've been waiting your whole life to hear from you. I was so pleased to hear you are happy. Do you want to call me? Would you like to visit me at the beach?

Forgive me, I'm nervous.

Love, Sasha

Sasha pressed send before she rethought her words. She didn't refer to herself as her mother. She didn't expect her to come to the beach. Sasha could go visit her when she went to Massachusetts for the jewelry show.

She needed to contact Davis to see if she could stay at his house. She wouldn't sleep in his bed. Shivering, she couldn't imagine how many women had been in his bed. Why was she willing to share the man with proper protection but not clean sheets?