Detour

48: Endless Fights

This week couldn't get any better.

I can't believe Cole and I haven't talked for 3 days now. I can't believe it... Did I expect too much and thought he will never be angry or turn cold? Did I expect too much and thought he can't stand me and come here and apologize?

What am I thinking? He's human too, and had feelings.

Fuck. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything feels heavy and...empty. I want to talk to him but I'm not sure if he wants to talk to me.

I pull up my bag and started walking outside the University. I take the bus and arrived on my flat later on. I bath and eat dinner and the past few days was nothing but a routine.

I went to bed and disappoint myself seeing there were no texts from Cole. Or even a single call.

Once again, I spend the night crying in my bed asking if this is already the end of us...

The next day, I found Vince in my doorway.

I ignored him and walk past him down the stairs.

"Shay."

This isn't the biggest fight we had, but I'm still a little mad about him—for his choice of words that night—and myself, for not being able to convince Cole enough to make him believe the things I want him to believe.

What happened that night was a headache. It lead me to think about Cole and his feelings. I understand he was shocked hearing those futile words coming out from Vince's drunk state, and I also understand that he must have thought something happened before, and it could also because he's wasn't expecting that Vince and I will still spend the time together even at night—in which we don't.

After Vince barged in and passed out on the floor, Cole already turned cold. I told him that Vince is drunk and just saying nonsense things but when he found out this thing already happened before, Vince coming here drunk and saying nonsense, after I told him about Vince's ex-girlfriend Therese, he went silent.

He wasn't angry, he just said he can't process the thought of Vince being inside my flat, drunk, and being a guy. 

He couldn't be wrong, but I've also said that I trusted Vince like a family—in which Cole, after a couple of months of knowing him, firmly said that Vince is still a guy and can do such things he imagined. I couldn't do anything like carrying Vince to his room and I think that also made Cole upset because I'm hopeless, and out of my mind for staying silent the whole call before he finally said he's going to sleep early and hung up on me.

When Vince woke up in the morning on the sofa, I told him what happened to him but I didn't tell him Cole was actually upset because of it. I just told him that he was saying nonsense things last night and that Cole heard it. He only knew Cole and I fought the next day because he saw me so low and I didn't want to talk to him at the canteen.

"Shay, let me talk to him."

I stopped on my tracks. I can feel he's sorry and I am too, to him, knowing he just came out of his ex' situation and now he must have think I'm being like this all because of him. No, it wasn't his fault. It was mine. I sighed. "I'll tell you when you'll talk to him." Then I head on my way to school.

Once again, same routine, I bath, eat, and sleep. However, tonight, I couldn't sleep and there's the urge of me that wants to send this long message to Cole that I've been typing, erasing, and typing again for the rest of this night. I just want to say sorry.

To: Cole
      I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know that I treat Vince as my family and I'm here to explain that what you thought is not how it happened or how it's gonna happen. And I'm sorry because I never get to say anything back there... I hope you see this.