The Assistant

New beginnings

Kyra's POV

I woke up the following morning wrapped up in David's arms. The ache and hollowness in my chest was still there but I felt somewhat lighter.

I looked up and I found him staring at me and felt my heart pinch. Even though I've been unbearable to live with the past month, he's been here waiting for me. Even though I couldn't carry our child to term, he's never once blamed it on me. When I was in danger, he killed a man for me and stood by myself waiting to pick up the pieces of what was left of me. Even though I pushed him away, he stayed. And for the first time in a month, my heart swelled up with love.

"Please don't go", I whispered.

"I'm not going anywhere princess, I'm here for as long as you need me" he responded.

"I'm sorry" I muttered, looking down again.

He lifted my chin with his fingers and placed a soft kiss on my lips, "you have nothing to be sorry for, nothing at all. You understand that?". I nodded.

" I just really struggled with everything that happened and I shut you out because it was easier to pretend it didn't happen than have to confront it. I've lost a lot in my life and losing our baby felt like the last straw, especially because of how it happened and how much I know we both wanted it" I said snuggling closer into his warm chest.

"I understand that, everyone processes things differently and it's a traumatic experience that you went through, it's only natural to react however feels appropriate at the time. And we can always try for another baby when the time is right" he replied.

He had barely finished his sentence before I got up, looked him in the eye and said "no". There was no way I was ever putting myself through the stress of trying to get pregnant again or letting myself experience pregnancy ever.

He shifted on the bed and sat up. "What do you mean no?" He questioned. "I mean no, we're not going to try for another baby." I maintained.

He looked at me for 2 full minutes, without saying anything. Then he said "and you were going to tell me this when?".

"I don't know, I guess I just thought since it's my body I get to choose and since I'm the one that experienced the body trauma associated with losing a baby. I still have a freaking gunshot wound for crying out loud"

I could see him getting angry "and what about me? Does it even matter what I want? Does it even matter that I also went through a lot after losing my child and almost losing the love of my life? You think just because I want another baby that I don't understand the pain of losing our first child? And I didn't say we could try right away. I was just saying that in the future I'd like to try again. Even if we don't conceive the natural way we still have options, we could get a surrogate or even adopt. All I know is someday I want a family with you."

I looked at him and all I could feel was hurt that he didn't understand how much this affected me. "Well I'm not having children, not now, not in the near future. It's just not in the cards for me anymore".

He got up from the bed without saying a word to me. And I watched him get ready for work, wordlessly. And just before he left he turned to me and said, "you're being selfish". Then walked out.

I picked a pillow up and threw it at the door while shouting "so are you".

I spent most of the morning stress cleaning the house. And when I was done and still felt frustrated and angry, I decided to bake cookies for myself so I could stuff my face with them.

Who did David think he is telling me what to do with my body. I don't want children, not even through alternative means. And I was going to stand by my decision. There was no way I was putting myself at a position where I could lose another child!

I had just pulled the second batch of cookies out of the oven when the doorbell rang. For a minute I wondered who it could be because we never get visitors. Then remembered it could be David's mum. But she had her own keys. I walked over to the door and saw Tiffany standing there with a cautious smile.

"Hey girl " she greeted shyly. It almost seemed like she wasn't sure how to talk to me.

I pulled her in for a hug and invited her in.

We caught up about work, about her relationship and danced around what happened the last time we saw each other.

She apologised about a 100 times before I told her I'd murder her if she apologised one more time.

She chuckled before clearing her throat and asking what happened between me and David because he got to the office and bit everyone's heads off. I poured out my whole heart to her and she nodded and said she understood where I was coming from.

"So like I've said I understand your fears and I understand why you don't want children but I think David has a point and you are being unfair." My face turned sour immediately. "Before you say anything, please let me finish. As you're friend I'd be doing you a great injustice if I just went along with what you're saying all the time, sometimes I won't agree with your thought processes and this is one of those times." She continued.

I was getting angrier with every word she said, "well maybe you should keep your opinions to yourself then. I clearly didn't ask for them. And you can't come to me about advice on something you can't even relate to. I lost the baby, not you!" I shouted while standing up with the intention of opening the door and asking her to leave.

"David lost the baby too, he might not have carried it, but he felt the loss just as bad as you. I was the one who told him you'd been taken, I was there to experience how he got when he thought he could lose you both. And I've seen him at work since everything has happened. This broke him too. And I know that you telling him you don't want children when you know he does is selfish. He loves you so I'm sure in the end he'll still stay just so he can have you. But think about the person you're going to be denying this man of a future where he could be a father. If you love him, you'll let him go or you'll tell him you'll get the help you need so you can get back to a place where you feel you can have the conversation on having children. I understand your fears and I wish things were different but it's not just about you, he's as much a part of this as you are. And he deserves the chance to be a father. It's up to you. Think about it." She said the last part as she passed me by the door and walked out even before I got the chance to ask her to leave.

I slammed the door hard after her and sank slowly to the floor. I cried and screamed for 10 minutes before I got up and went to have a shower. After my shower I got dressed and opened my MacBook for the first time in over a month. I looked up good therapists online and managed to get myself an appointment for a weeks time. Then I set up an appointment at a sexual health clinic so I could find out which birth control method would be best for me as even though I was willing to get help, the last thing I wanted was a surprise pregnancy.

With that done, I grabbed keys to David's R8 and headed for the office. I knew I'd been unfair to David and to myself and I was ready to fix things. And I was hoping we could meet each other halfway.

I missed my man and I was ready for us to start over, preferably from scratch. I didn't know how my future looked like but I knew it wouldn't be complete without David and I was going to fight for us. And this was step one.