Unrequited love

Twenty three | Colten

I've been thinking about what she told me for the past two days now and she's not wrong. I hadn't really thought if it as leading her on and I just thought of it as 'complicated' but shes right. I've just never seen it like that. I don't like Lilah even half as much as she likes me so it's wrong to keep her close. It's wrong to let her think I do and it's especially wrong to touch her knowing that I feel nothing and she's feeling everything. I'm aware of it and I've always been aware of it and I know it's getting worse.

Fuck.

'What's up with you man?' Thale punches my shoulder. Turning my head towards him, I hadn't noticed him walking towards me. 'You've been so out of it for the past couple days,'

'Yeah?' I ask as if I'm completely unaware of it. 'I'm just thinking about stuff.'

'Define stuff.' He leans into me. 'Lilah? She's not here which is odd since she's always here. Don't see why you'd be so distraught though.'

Looking up at the cheer team practicing we're seated on the bleachers because Thale wanted to watch them. I had only come because I didn't feel like explaining to him that I've been ghosting Lilah but the problem fixed itself since she's not here. She hasn't been here at all today and I feel like that may be because of me. I hope it's fucking not.

'Yeah...it's weird that she isn't here,' I half lie before looking up at the girls who are now practicing god knows what exactly. Their work often goes overlooked but if you really watch, you can see that it's a lot of effort and requires flexibility. Especially the air tricks. It's so cool to me.

'Don't even worry about it...she'll most likely be at the party tonight.' Thale tries to lighten my mood but he's unaware that he had only made it worse.

'Right.'

Jacob was hosting a party at his place since his parents are out for the weekend. I agreed to go ages ago but it would also make sense for Lilah to be there. It's not like it's a big deal anyways. There's one almost every second weekend so I don't even show up most of the time. Except it would be awkward if I showed up at the party and we saw each other. Maybe I should just talk to her.

'God who hit him with a bus?' I hear Noah's voice but I don't bother looking up. 'Did you make a bad decision and are your regretting it now?'

'Nah.' I respond dryly. 'I just dont feel good,'

'Are you going to throw up...' I hear Noah move away which makes me laugh under my breath. I can tell that he knows what I mean and he's trying to make me feel better.

'Do you guys think I would be a bad boyfriend? Like I know me and Lilah aren't together but let's say we are.' I look at the both of them but they don't respond, only exchanging looks. 'Fuck you guys-,'

'Why do you suddenly care so much?' Thale leans back seeming confused. In all honesty I'm a little confused myself. It's not like I ever cared and it's not like Katie is the first person to judge me like that. It's just the first time I've truly felt shitty about it all.