Unrequited love

Sixty-six || Alex

Pacing around my room I haven't been able to keep myself still all day. I'm doing it.

Figuratively. Nothing inappropriate at least. I spoke to my mom and she pretty much said the same thing that my ma told me. She said to just fess up your feelings so that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Biting my tongue gently I sit down on my bed. It's not that big of a deal; I need to calm down. Tapping my foot I groan before falling back onto my bed. I physically cannot calm down right now. Confessing isn't something I ever do and I don't even know what I'm trying to achieve with this. I don't expect her to say yes if anything I expect a rejection so why am I so excited.

'I'm here?' I hear Lilah's voice and I'm so quick to sit up. 'You where rushing me and for a good minute I thought you where dying,'

'Sorry.' I clear my throat.

Tilting her head sideways, I shouldn't have apologized. She knew she was being sarcastic and I knew also. I'm just so fucking tense right now. Fidgeting with my hands in an attempt to calm myself down she notices. Most likely because that's a habit I picked up from her.

'Are you about to confess a murder to me?' Seeming concerned, I swallow down every thought telling me to back out now. I've stalled for too long for her to forget about it.

'Not that kind of confession at least.' I break eye contact to look back down to my hands.

'What?'

'I'm trying to say that I have a confession but it's not for a murder since that would be a little bit much- you know what? I'm just trying to say that I like you. That's all.' I finally spit it out.

'Oh? I like you too? Is that why you rushed me here? You're so sweet,' she misunderstands. Walking up to me I look up to her since I'm seated on the bed before standing up myself.

'No. You don't get it.' I pick at my nails. 'I have this serious problem with me...it's where I mix my emotions with- well, fucking everything and it happened again so I mean that I have a serious crush on you Lilah. Not that I regularly like you.'

'Oh.' She immediately looks down before taking a step back. Brushing her hair behind her ear she doesn't look up. 'Why?'

'Huh?' I didn't expect her to ask that. Mentally I had prepared myself for an immediately rejection and not a question.

'Well...you said that this happens a lot so I'm assuming you like my by habit...so I asked why its me I guess.' She doesn't believe I like her for her which is fair since I phrased my confession horribly.

'No I-,' I crease my eyebrows.

'Actually we spend a lot of time together so that could be why.' She laughs uncomfortably. I don't know why she's trying to find an excuse. 'It's probably why you liked Katie right? You spent a lot of time with her?'

'I can give you a list of reasons on why I used to be attracted to her,' I turn her explanation down. 'My feelings are rooted by closeness but I'm still attracted to that person. Doesn't everyone fall for people they know? No one really falls for a stranger, you like that persons qualities.'

'Right...you're probably right- it's just I don't understand why you like me?' I realize that this has nothing to do with my crush habits, I'm starting to believe she just doesn't believe in herself. 'I honestly feel like I've been a pain in the ass for the past couple weeks so maybe you're feeling some sort of motherliness maybe? I don't know- you could just be mixing those two up-,'

'The way you sit is so cute. You pull your legs up to your chest and I've noticed that you only really do it when you're nervous or when you're around me. It used to scare me a little since it made me wonder if I made you uncomfortable. You should also smile more. People don't get to see of often though which is disappointing Lilah.' Taking a step towards her I untuck her hair from her ear before tilting her head up to look at me. 'Whenever you say anything that isn't positive you look away or you fiddle, like how you moved your hair. I think I've accidentally picked up that habit from you actually.'

'Alex-,' she interjects.

'I'm not done.' I stop her. 'You've been through shit yet that still never changed you. The people you've met sucked yet you somehow remained the same, sure you weren't perfect whilst you where with them but talking to you now reminds me of when we where little. I like you for who you are now and though you don't believe me I know how I feel. I just wish we hadn't spent so much wasted time away from each other- I'm not trying to tell you to like me back and if anything I fully expect for you not to, but I don't like when you tell me that I don't feel the way I feel-,'

'Alex!' She yells which shuts me up. Surprised I blink at her for a few moments before watching her frown.

'I'm sorry. It was the only way I knew you'd stop talking,' she whispers.

'I'm sorry did I upset you?' She seems so lost. Maybe she didn't understand something I had said.

'No no! You're okay.' She goes to tuck her hair behind her ear before pausing and pulling her hand down. 'I'm just so confused.'

'Why?'

'I don't know.' She laughs, it sounds genuine this time. Laughing with her she leans her head against my chest. 'Alex you're my dream guy.'

Feeling my heart squeeze I feel like my head and my heart are at a game of tug of war. My head knows a relationship is the shittiest idea but my heart is blocking it out.

'But I can't physically bring myself to do anything romantic right now.' She wraps her hands around me apologetically. I don't react because I expected this to happen. 'You're pretty much everything I dreamed of but you know how I'm doing right now. My therapist told me that 'hurt people hurt people' and as a hurt person I don't want to hurt the one person who was there for me, you.'

My brain just won the game tug of war. I should've listened to begin with.

'I get it,' I force a smile. I honestly expected this outcome but it still really fucking hurts.

Lowering herself she keeps her arms attached to me so I go down with her. Sitting in between my legs her head is still on my chest, she doesn't want to look at me directing so I don't force her. I can tell she feels guilty but I don't want her to feel that way.

'I don't want you to feel bad,' I pray that I didn't make her feel horrible for rejecting me for my own good. She just doesn't want to hurt me. 'It's just that I needed to get it off my chest...as selfish as that seems.'

'No it's fine.' She sighs. 'I've done some things to get my own feelings off my chest in the past.'

'Like destroying someone's locker?' I remind her of the time she graffitied Jasmines locket over Colton.

'Hush.' She hits my chest playfully which makes me laugh.

Everything she does anyways manages to make me smile. Which is the issue.

I need to find a way to stop that.