Unrequited love

Sixty-two | Lilah

'So he's your friend?' She asks.

'Yeah. He's amazing.' I explain to Capri, my therapist.

I had told my mother that I didn't need one but she went on a three hour ramble on how it really helps and how she shouldn't have pulled me out of it. It's nice that she's trying but it makes me feel a little guilty sometimes. I want to be normal and healthy for her but I've pretty much trapped myself into a routine. I feel like an automatic bread cutter without an off button and it makes me feel so weak.

'How does he make you feel?' She asks me so I turn my head to the wall. 'Your friend?'

'Happy I guess...he's always there for me and he doesn't seem to be getting bored of me either.' I laugh.

'What about romantically?' Her question catches me off guard.

'I've never really though about us like that,' I grab my knees. 'We kissed a while back but I wasn't really in the right place to be romantic again since I still liked my ex at the time.'

'So you don't like him anymore?' She asks. 'As in your ex of course,'

'No I don't, actually.' I look up at her. It feels good to say that aloud. 'The thought of us romantically makes me want to rip his eyes out because it was never real even though I wanted it to be. My desperation and love, kind of just turned into hatred because now I'm stuck here because my headspace got worse over a stupid crush.'

'Not that I don't want to be here Capri,' I frown in fear that I might've hurt her feelings. 'You're amazing but the fact that I need to be here because of him sucks...It makes me feel weak. Normal people don't end up in therapy or the psych ward over an ex. How come everyone else can get over it but I can't.'

'Don't downplay yourself like that Lilah.' she gives me a soft smile. 'You didn't have amazing friends nor did you have an any better school life in general. People expected too much from you and you felt the need to be perfect all the time and that's unnatural- especially since your sister was your opposite so it only brought up comparisons...it was human instinct for you to lean on someone who you thought would like you for you so it was normal for you to be hurt when they didn't...you had a lot of things that played into how your feeling and why your here.'

Loosening my grip on my knees I smile at her. I guess I've always just assumed my issues weren't as bad because people have it worse.

'Some people can't even feed their families so I feel stupid for being here instead of them.' I admit.

'So because they have issues it means no one else is allowed to have issues?' She spins what I'm saying and I stay quiet because she's right. 'We're all people and we're all capable of the same emotions, yes they're issues dig deeper but that doesn't mean yours don't dig at all,'

Humming as a response, it's not my first session with her. I've been here once or twice before hand. The last time was when I was way younger, maybe twelve, but I stopped going. She said she remembered me which stressed me out because I'm fully aware that I was a lot better ages ago.