Natasha Romanoff One-Shots

Pressure

TW: panic attack, slight SH

Pov Nat

I'm standing in the kitchen of our apartment, making myself a peanut butter sandwich when I hear a key in the lock and turn around to watch my girlfriend y/n walk in. I smile at her but it drops when I see her expression.

"What's wrong?" I ask and take a few steps towards her. She doesn't answer and just lets her backpack fall to the ground. She starts to pace around and clenches her fists. Her breathing quickens and by the look on her face, I can tell that she's zoning out. I know these sign and know she's having a panic attack. I rush over to her and try to get her attention but she's completely lost in her mind, which isn't a good sign at all.

"Baby?" I ask, hoping she notices me. Her eyes shortly dart to lock with mine and she stops in her tracks before she starts pacing again. So she knows I'm here with her now. I gently take her hand and she turns around to look at me. The pained look in her eyes hurts me but I have to push my feelings down right now, this is not about me.

"Deep breaths, sweetie." I say softly, breathing calmly in and out, gesturing for her to join in. She does and slowly her body stops to shake and her vision becomes a little more clear. Her eyes search mine for comfort and I open my arms for her, if she needs a hug.
She accepts the offer and hugs me tight, nuzzling her face into my neck. I stroke her back and brush over her hair to calm her down.
It works and her body relaxes a little bit. I move us over to the sofa so we can sit and she cuddles into me.

After a little while I feel her body starting to shake slightly again and lean back to look at her. She's sobbing and zoned out again, which tells me she is caught up in her head again.
"What's going on, baby?" I ask and brush some hair out of her face. She inhales shakily and moves to stand up to start pacing again, still sobbing a little but wiping the tears away.

"We got our exams back the past three days and I didn't want to tell you because I needed to cope but it didn't work today because it kept getting worse." She explains, interrupted by sobs.

"Okay, wanna tell me the results now?" I ask, looking at her. She sighs and looks at me, thinking if she should tell me or not. I give her time and watch as she paces around the living room.

"In the first two I got 12 from 15 point and today I got 11 from 15 points, which every other person would consider good but I don't. I know I can do better and I need to. I just have to do better and work harder, study more and get more points." She presses out and clenches her fists again, her nails digging into her palm. "But at the same time I shouldn't be upset or sad about it because it's good and others would be very happy to get this amount of points but for me it's not enough. I feel this pressure to be better, to get at least 13 points but I seem to be too dumb for that and even though I did my best, it's not enough. And it bothers me and makes me think I'm worthless and can't do anything because there are also people out there who do better and I know it's possible to get more points and I achieved that in some exams but in these I didn't and I don't know how to handle myself. When I saw the points, I almost broke down in class and it kept getting worse with every exam. I really thought I did really good but appenrently I didn't. But like I said, at the same time I don't want to be the person who cries over an actually good grade. But it feels like I can't do anything right and as if I'm dumb and worthless and totally destroy my future, even though I know I don't really but it feels like it." She rambles, getting faster by each sentence and her breathing speeding up, until she almost hyperventilates.

Tears spilling out of her eyes and she raises her fists up to her head, to press them against her temples as if it would make her running mind stop. She zones out again and gets lost in her thoughts that seem to spiral and I quickly get up and walk over to her, taking her hands from her head and looking at her. It takes a few seconds until her eyes focus on mine.

"I know it's hard, sweetie. And I'm sorry you feel this way." I say in a soft voice. Her eyes look down.
"I feel like I'm disappointing everyone. Myself, my teachers and you." She whispers and it breaks my heart that she feels like this.
"You're not, I promise. I'm not at all disappointed. I am very proud of you. You do your best, even though you might think you don't. I see you working hard and I admire you for doing it. You don't quit and try your best and I'm insanely proud of you for that." I assure her and our eyes meet again.

She keeps quiet but by the movement of her body, I can tell, she's still fighting her thoughts as her fists clench even more. I take her hands into mine and softly stroke over her fingers and wrists until she opens her hands a little bit and I take that opportunity to intertwine my fingers with hers so she can't dig her nails into her palm.
She does that when she feels overwhelmed and stressed, it helps her but it's not good, so I try to help her to stop doing it and most of the time she lets me. Her hands slightly squeeze mine and I watch her expression closely, trying to read what's on her mind.

"I know, it's overwhelming and feels bad and you feel like you're failing, but you're not. It's also okay to feel this way, you don't have to feel guilty at all for being sad about this. Your feelings are so valid and if you are upset and sad over your grade, you have every right to feel that way. The pressure can be quite strong and I know you want to do your best and that you feel like it crushes you. But I'm here for you, to hold you, to reassure you and do whatever you need me to. It's absolutely okay to feel this way. I have you. I'm here for you." I assure her and she slightly relaxes.

"I just don't like this feeling and I still feel guilty for being sad about my actually good grades." She mumbles and wraps her arms around me. I hold her close to me.
"I know but you don't have to feel guilty for that. Everyone has different expectations for themselves and yours are high and that's okay. You want to reach your goal and when you feel like failing, it of course hurts you and it's natural to be sad about that. Don't compare yourself to others. You are worth so much and such a great human, no matter what grades you get. They don't define you and they won't ruin your future. I think it's amazing what you do and can't imagine the pressure you feel. You are so strong for handling it and it's also okay to crumble under it sometimes. Of course, it's not a nice feeling at all and it hurts, but you don't have to go through this alone. I'm here with you and I'll support you through everything." I say and comb softly through her hair.

We stay like this for a few more moments and her breathing slows down and her body calms down as well. Her grip on my shirt loosens and she pulls away a little bit, to look at me.

"Thank you. For being there for me, for calming me down. For understanding and not judging me. For knowing how to handle me." She says and locks eyes with me. I smile a little bit and kiss her forehead.
"You're very welcome. I love you and I want to help you with all your struggles." I reply and a tiny smile forms on her lips as she cuddles back into me. I hold her close and kiss her hair. This won't be easy to get over but we will manage it somehow, together.

A/n: To everyone struggling: Your grades don't define you as a human, you are doing amazing and I'm very proud of you <3

Also, I wrote that a little while back and am rereading it now...I need a Natasha in my life...