The Therapy

Chapter 02

On the appointed day, I returned to Diane's office.

She had my paper in her hand and started the conversation with a question that awakened a still open wound in me. It's been a few years, but I still hear in my mind the sound of the gunshot that took my best friend's life.

Diane: Who was Ryan? How important is he in your life?

Andy: For many years I thought Ryan was the great love of my life. We grew up together. He was my best friend all my life. He was my confidant, my first kiss, my first sex. He was the only person who knew what was going on in my mind and heart, even without me saying a word.

Diane: And why do you think he stopped being your great love? Why did he die?

Andy: No. I realized that even before he died. I loved Ryan, but I don't think I ever fell in love with him. I loved him in a way that I would donate an organ to save his life if I had to. I loved him like he was an important part of my own soul. But I never felt my heart race for him. I never felt an uncontrollable desire to hear his voice, even if it was to say nothing important. I never shivered to feel his body next to mine. I never spent the whole day counting the minutes so we could be together. And Robert makes me feel it all. Even now that I'm angry and upset at him, I feel all this just imagining that we'll meet. Robert doesn't leave my mind. I can't control my breathing and my heartbeat when we're close. I guess it makes me sure that, in the most wrong way, I still love him. For this reason, I know that Ryan was not my greatest love, but one of the most important people in my life.

At that moment I noticed my eyes watering for missing my great friend even more.

Diane: Is Ryan's death still something you think about?

Andy: When Ryan died, I saw my life stop. I couldn't live a life where Ryan wasn't. But I knew that if I spent all my energy on work, in a way, I could feel like I was still alive. And so I did. I put in long hours at work. A few weeks later, Robert and I started our relationship and I think his presence by my side made the pain of losing Ryan lessen. Gradually, I stopped thinking about him so often. Robert made me feel safe. Even though he wasn't Ryan, I knew that Robert was my new best friend. He was the person who would go to great lengths for anything I needed. Who would be with me in any situation no matter what. But now that we're apart, I've had nightmares about Ryan's death again. In my head, I still hear the sound of the gun firing, the crying of the little boy Milo, the scene of Ryan falling to the ground and my hands full of my best friend's blood don't leave my head.

Diane: And why do you think the nightmares have returned?

Andy: Every night I'm having trouble sleeping. I keep thinking about all the wrong I did with my marriage. And at those times I remember Ryan. He was always available to listen to me. It didn't matter the time, the moment... he just stopped everything to be my point of support. I feel so much like having him around at least for a moment. Only for him to scold me for all the wrong things I've done and then give me that hug that means he's going to help me fix my whole mess, even if he didn't even know what we could do. But he always told me that in the end, everything would work out.

Diane: Homesickness is something that has no cure. We need to learn to live with it. I'll give you some guidelines to help improve your sleep. At the end of the day, write down whatever is bothering your mind. Create a journal or loose papers that could go to the trash soon afterwards. The important thing is that you empty your mind. Once that's done, say a prayer not just for Ryan, but for everyone you feel like. And finally, put on some music to relax and if possible, try to meditate. Your mind will be lighter and your sleep quality will probably be better too.