The Therapy

Chapter 03

Therapy was doing me good. I was getting more and more confident about opening up to Diane. So I decided to tell her something I hadn't told almost anyone. Only Theo knew, but I needed professional help to try to lessen the weight I carried on my conscience.

Andy: Everything I say here is really confidential, right?

Diane: Yes. You can be sure that no one else will know.

Andy: I ​​slept with Captain Beckett.

I was so anxious to release the information that was agonizing me so much that I didn't beat around the bush.

Diane: How so? Aren't we working on getting you back to your husband?

Andy: It was before I started therapy. I know you're judging me now.

Diane: I'm not judging you. I'm trying to understand what happened to know how I can help you.

Andy: I've been sexless for months. I was feeling alone. I just wanted to have fun. I did what I did without thinking of the consequences. I ventured without wanting to think that when Robert finds out, he will never forgive me.

Diane: And when are you going to tell him?

Andy: I ​​don't have the guts.

Diane: How long do you think this story will be stored?

Andy: I ​​don't know. But I know he's going to hate me and I don't want him to hate me. I won't be able to live knowing he hates me.

Diane: Don't you think if he finds out from someone else, he'll hate you even more?

Andy: Yes, he will go. You are right. I have to talk to him before he finds out from someone else. As soon as I get out of here, I'll go to 19 and tell him everything.

Diane: Andy, look at you screwing up again. Acting on impulse, without thinking about what needs to be done.

Andy: What did I say wrong?

Diane: Do you think it's okay for this conversation to take place in the workplace? Don't you think they need privacy for such a serious matter? Don't you think he deserves to hear this in a place where he can pour out his feelings without other people seeing him?

Andy: I ​​will never learn. I thought I was improving my impulsiveness, but no.

Diane: That's why I'm here. To help you control. Think first before you act.

Andy: I've never been back to our house since I left. But I think only there will we have any privacy. I also don't think it's right to go before the shift starts as he can get emotionally shaken and this can hurt his skills and job security. I will go tomorrow as I know it will be a free day for me and him. We can talk without worries.

Diane: Excellent work. You are learning.

The next day, I went out first thing in the morning to have this conversation with Robert. I parked the car in front of his house. I still didn't have the courage for what we needed to talk about, but I also knew that as long as it took, the courage would never come. So I had no choice. This would be the day when Robert would hate me forever.

I rang the bell and heard his footsteps towards the door. He soon welcomed me and invited me in.

Since I left that house, I had never returned. I was surprised to see that everything was exactly the same. Even our wedding photo was still on the shelf, which made me feel even more angry with myself.

Looking at Robert, in the house that I once called ours, I saw that he was wearing one of those clothes he liked to wear on our days off and in my mind came some flashbacks of our dinners, lunches, breakfast at bed, the moments when we were on the couch lying down just hugging each other feeling each other's presence. Moments that were just ours. Just the two of us and no one else.

Robert: If you've come this far, I imagine it's something important.

Andy: Robert, can we talk? I didn't want to talk around other people, so that's why I came here.

Robert: Sit down.

Andy: Look, I don't want to make things worse between us and I don't want to hurt you any more, and I know what I have to tell you isn't going to be easy to hear. But I want you to know from me.

He was silent, not understanding what I was trying to say. And as for me, I still didn't know how to start and I was feeling my body losing what little strength it had.

Andy: Robert, I slept with someone else.

He got up and walked towards the window. I know him well. He was avoiding any possibility of looking at me.

I swear I felt like leaving, but I needed to say everything. So I continued.

Andy: The day you got the divorce papers and they also made that video of you that came out on the internet, I tried to talk to you at the bar. And you, with all good reason, didn't want to talk to me. My friends didn't seem to be my friends anymore either. So I left in anger. When I was out on the street, Beckett was there and we...

Robert: Don't tell me it was with him.

Andy: I'm not going to lie...

Before I could finish saying what I wanted, I heard Robert throw our picture frame to the floor and start yelling at me.

Robert: Wow Andy. My captain. While I was waiting for you. While I had hopes that you would come home. While I was fulfilling our wedding vows... while I was doing all this, you slept with my captain. Is there any other way for you to hurt me? I do not think so? I don't recognize you anymore. I don't know who this woman is here in my house. I confess that when I saw you standing here at the door, it was honestly not what I expected to hear from you. I thought for a moment that you might have come to tell me that you wanted to get back together or at least talk about the reasons that led us to break up, but I see that you didn't. I see that I was wrong. How can I be so dumb?

As much as we had fought a few times, I never saw him like this. He never yelled at me. But the truth is, I already expected him to react this way.

Andy: I ​​didn't do this to hurt you. I swear. I just needed to turn my head off and it ended up happening.

Robert: Of course, now that I'm just a probie, I wasn't for you anymore. But the captain of the 19 does.

Andy: Robert, please, you know I never cared about your titles.

Robert: I don't believe you. I do not know anything else. If so, you would have slept with anyone else. But no, it had to be fair to my captain. So it's hard to believe you don't care about titles. Andy, to be honest, I don't even know who you really are anymore. I need you to get out of here. I need to be alone.

He walked to the door and opened it. I took my bag and before leaving, I still said:

Andy: I ​​didn't come here to fight. I just didn't want secrets from you. Please understand, it was only once, after the divorce papers had already been filed. But I haven't slept well since then. I feel guilty for hurting you and if ever you can forgive me.

Robert didn't answer me, I just heard the sound of the door close behind me with force.

I got in the car and started crying.

How could I do everything I did? Robert said he doesn't recognize me, but I don't recognize myself either. I know I didn't betray him, because we were already apart, but sleeping with Beckett was the way I definitively traded the love of my life for a one night stand. Now Robert will never even want to look at me again.