What Are We?

xvi

What was that Saab?! You turned your back on Jimin? THE Jimin! What were you thinking?! What made you do it?!

My head was in shambles and my heart was pounding at what I just did. Did it really happen? Or did I just imagine it. No I can definitely still feel his lips on mine, wet with his spit. And his hands, I can trace back they were as we... We kissed! We actually kissed! Eeeeehhh... but I bailed.

Because.. because of Jin. I saw his face while I kissed Jimin. I'm so confused why when all I dreamed about was that moment with Jimin. Was it because I "trained" with him? Yeah that must be it. But why did I feel guilty? It was pretty clear that it meant nothing to us. Yes, we had a moment when I shared about my sister, and then again after I confessed that he's my first kiss and again in the supply room, but they're not earth shaking that it will override what I feel whenever I see Jimin or how I turn into puddle when he talks to me.

With Jin I'm comfortable, I don't feel any tension. It's always fun and games. Except for those moments I see his vulnerable side, when he's not joking around using humour to hide that side of himself. And I don't want to ruin that because of what? Catching feelings?

I don't think so but I'm starting to really like Jin, as my friend. We weren't like this before. He ignored me back then, dismissed me as his friends' girlfriend's sister. But now I've grown attached to him and I feel like he wants me as his friend too.

But why? Maybe it's the alcohol.

I jumped in the shower to clear my head and got ready for bed. Should I text Jimin to say sorry. No that's too awkward.

I'm starting to get angry at Jin for ruining this. Unreasonable I know but I just wanted to blame him. I'm just upset at him. Why isn't he here to explain this to me? Why did he leave me alone with Jimin? Did he intentionally do that? Does he really want me to be with Jimin? Even when we made out with each other, spent a lot of time together, I didn't have an effect on him at all that's it's so easy for him to leave me with a gorgeous man like Jimin. And Jimin, while I know won't take advantage of anyone, is not someone who will pass up on someone who is willing to go all the way with him. He is one flirty and seductive guy. Does that not trouble him that I will end up in bed with Jimin?

These thoughts whirled in my head as the alcohol takes over again putting me to sleep.

***

I woke up to the sound of my alarm and thankfully I drank enough water so I didn't get a hang over. Jimin was very thoughtful to remind me that before we headed back to the hotel.

That kiss.

I covered my face wanting to both sear it in my memory and push it out, saving me the embarrassment.

I powered through it and washed up. I put on a pair of wide leg trousers and plain white tee that tied loosely with a knot in the front. I came out of my room and saw Jimin getting ready to head out. A rush of blood went to my head as I remembered last night.

"Morning! Had a good sleep? No hang over?" He cheerfully greeted me.

"No I feel fine," I proceeded with caution. I don't know how to get round to saying sorry about last night. "About last night," so much for proceeding with caution Saab. Nice, keep going. "I'm so sorry. I.." I bowed my head of.. shame?

He looked worried when I looked up and he quickly went over to my side and held both of my shoulders, "Never say sorry for that. You should say so if you don't feel comfortable. Never feel like you can't say no or to stop, or that you shouldn't, ok. To anyone. Whoever it is."

His eyes were filled with concern that I almost bursted out crying because how much he shows he cares.

"If anything I should be sorry to you. I shouldn't have kissed you in the first place."