What Are We?

xix

He stayed there and I think I've fallen asleep for a bit. When I opened my eyes he was slumped on the bed still in the same clothes. He really didn't leave me. Just stayed there. I got on all fours to get up and sat up in front of him. I tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. I can see his eyes lined with his long lashes. I traced his nose then to his lips that's slightly parted as he let out wispy, tiny snores. I stroked his cheeks, his jawline and trailed my fingers on his neck and rested on his chest. He's beautiful. But more than that he has the kindest heart I know.

He stirred and slowly opened his eyes, adjusting to the low light in the room.

"Hey." He smiled seeing I'm already up and no longer crying. "How are you feeling?"

"Hey, I'm sorry."

He pulled me close to me, my head against his chest.

"You got me worried. Did you get a good sleep?"

"Yeah, and finally know what I want and what I'm feeling."

"Really?"

"Uh huh." I sat up to face him and I cupped his face. "You, I want you. I don't know if I love you yet. This, what I'm feeling right now is all new to me so I hope you understand but I want you. I know I want you. When you're not here I miss you. I miss your dumb jokes, I miss your laugh, I miss your nagging. I miss how you talk to me and how you always make sure I'm safe and protected and comfortable.."

He took my mouth into his. We kissed passionately, as if it was the first time. Slowly, enjoying every second our lips touched. We only stopped to catch our breath and for a moment I couldn't open my eyes still high from the kiss.

"I'll wait for you to find out. And while you figure that out, I'll stay by your side."

We both fell asleep again exhausted from the emotional roller coaster we were just on. But at least now it's settled. We're together and he's giving me the time to figure out if I love him or not. And it seems like he's the same as me. We both want to explore what we feel about each other. Willing to get hurt in the process as we stay by each other's side cause I don't want to have it any other way.

***

We flew back to Seoul on Monday morning. He dropped me off at the apartment but he went straight to work. I still have a few more days left of my annual leave so I'm going to enjoy it.

First I need to clean my apartment. I've been gone for a few days and dust has gathered already. I started in my bedroom, rearranging it a bit then to the living room. I looked at the couch and smiled to myself as I picture Jin lying down there, his legs dangling. I sat down to browse online and then carried on with my cleaning.

The day went by pretty quickly, texted Hyejin to tell her I'm back in Seoul also texted my sister the list I compiled for her. Then I see Jin's text from last week saying Jimin has booked our flights. From our convo I found out that Jimin did book our flights commercial but Jin had booked a charter flight instead. He was hoping the two of us can get on it but because of work he couldn't that's why Jimin flew with me.

I wonder what Jimin thought of our kiss. I've had a crush on him for almost a year since that first meeting and Jin said Jimin was clueless. I didn't get to ask if the others noticed too. Was he surprised by the kiss. I mean he kissed me on the cheek although it was really close to my lips. It was me who searched for his lips and 'initiated' the kiss. I smiled at how bold I was in doing that but I guess not brave enough to push through it. Or I guess I just had a bigger crush on Jin that's why all I thought of was him at that momentous time. Is it really just a crush on Jin? Or something more? Like I told him, I want him. Lust or love? Time can only tell.

My phone buzzed and I saw Ellie's text.

Ellie: hey thanks for sending that list! Wow you went through a lot! Hope you didn't get SUGA high. 😵‍💫🍰🍭😵

As much as I love my sister her emoji game is not strong. And please injecting Yoongi's name there too. She's completely smitten.

Maybe I should ask her how she knew she loves Yoongi or when she fell in love with him (AN: read Unwritten to see their story). I've always asked her about these kinds of things before and I would really love her input. She's still my sister.

Saab: no worries. You need to try those when you come and visit. They're all yum!

Ellie: I bet. And yeah I should come over soon! I hope you're behaving there. 🧐

Saab: lol! Of course..

Should I ask her? I put it off maybe later?

Saab: I've always wanted to ask you, how did you know you love Yoongi-oppa. When did you know?

Ellie is typing...

Ellie: I just knew. We must have been talking and right then I knew. There's a tug in my heart that made me want to be with him the same way he's always been there for me. Of course there were butterflies but it wasn't that feeling that made me realise that I love him. It's the peace and calmness I feel when I'm with him. I felt safe and secure in my thoughts of him being with me. Like nothing else in the world matters as long as I'm with him. Like everything will be alright cause I have him. Cheesy right? But that's how it was for me.

This.

Ellie: Why do you ask? Are you seeing someone?

Took me a moment to decide if I should tell her about Jin and I.

Saab: I don't know how I feel yet..

Ellie: Can I call you?

I looked at the time and didn't realise it's almost midnight there. And I know Yoongi oppa won't be staying there for a long time so I don't want to take this time away from them.

Saab: no I'm fine please. Enjoy your time with Yoongi oppa. 🍆💦 😏

Ellie: Saab!!!

Saab: Did I lie though?

Ellie: No. 👅

Saab: OMG!

Ellie: hey whatever you do be safe. 😏

Saab: Good night!

Ellie: I'm serious!

Saab: we're not even close to anything like that.

Ellie: I'm just saying.. wrap it up if he can't pull it out.

Saab: 🥱

Ellie: oh I see..

Saab: what?!

Ellie: open wide..

Saab: Ellieeeee!! I meant I'm going to bed and sleep. Go to bed! I can't believe this..

Ellie: night sis! Love you!

Saab: love you too.