What Are We?

xviii

I woke up to a phone ringing. It was Jin's who's still fast asleep and his arms still around me. I rubbed his chest to wake him up.

"Jin-ssi your phone's ringing."

"Hmmm." He stirred and went to grab his phone from the nightstand.

"O Jimin-ah, wae?"

He glanced at me as I started to get up from bed. I need to get ready to head out as it's already 5pm. We slept for hours.

I went to my bedroom and hopped in the shower. What just happened earlier? We were about to go farther than just making out. What is Jin to me now? What am I to him? F*ck buddies? Not exactly. We haven't actually done the deed but aren't we going to that territory? I mean, I know we agreed to a 'mentorship' arrangement but all our encounters have been outside of the Jimin premise. The only time he 'mentored' me was that same night we agreed to it. Anything after and even once before that was in the heat of the moment. Why do I crave him so much? How can he be so comfortable and so dangerous at the same time?

I'm so confused right now. We need to talk about this. Tonight.

***

I wore the same wide leg trousers I was wearing earlier and wore a cropped cable knit top, (showing just a little bit of skin) with a mid front zip closure. I left it zipped down to show off my collar bone. I'll pull it up once it gets colder.

I got out and Jin was already dressed in a white jumper and a lightly padded blazer jacket. He always manages to look effortless but can always take my breath away. He walked towards me thinking he will kiss me or whisper I'm beautiful but of course it's Jin so instead he pinched my tummy making baby faces as he also pinched my cheeks. I can't even get mad cause I know he's coming from a good place. He didn't want me to lose that baby fat he said.

We headed out to the stalls and gave him my list so we'll know which ones to skip now and try the remaining ones. We split up at one point and met again to cover more ground. Who knew there were so many types of desserts. We were both on a sugar high and quite giddy and excitable.

"We should eat. We're just running on sugar now!"

"Yeah. I reserved a table at Sandro's." It's the fancy Italian restaurant in the hotel.

"Huh? I'm not dressed for that restaurant."

"You look great what do you mean?" He's scanning me trying to see what's wrong with my outfit.

"Isn't that a fancy restaurant? I'm dressed like a hobo with this wide leg trouser and cable knit!"

"Tch. You worry too much. You look great come on" he grabbed my hand and we walked towards the hotel.

This is the first time he's held my hand, at least in public. I tried to squirm my hand away and hissed at him to let go but he wouldn't and just winked at me.

"People will see us!"

"I don't care I want to hold your hand."

My cheeks flushed and I felt feverish. He was holding my hand not letting me go as we got to the restaurant. He was right I didn't have to worry about anything. Not.

I kept thinking what if someone sees us, takes a picture and post it online. And I'm looking like this. They will definitely bash me and say I'm not good enough for him. Mr Worldwide Handsome with a slob. But he wasn't bothered at all and that calmed me down. All I really care about is how he sees me. And I want to know exactly how.

"I want to ask you something." I started, "what are we doing?"

He looked at me bewildered, "eating?"

"You know what I mean." I firmly rejected his attempt to make light of my question.

He wiped his mouth with the napkin, put it down and reached across the table to hold my hand. He kept stroking it, taking his time before he spoke.

"To be honest, I'm also not sure. I know I want to be with you. Like this. Like earlier cuddling next to you. Like this morning and the other times I was kissing you," he paused "but I'm not sure how I feel about being a place keeper."

I was shocked and I think my jaw dropped at his confession.

"Place keeper?"

"Yeah isn't that what I am? While you wait for something to pan out with Jimin? And once that happens, aren't you going to discard me?" His voice cracked but I was getting furious that I can't understand or accept what he's saying. "I'm just here while you sort out what you feel. And I'm not saying I don't want to be there while you do that, like I said, I want to but a part of me is hurt."

WTF! Is that what he thinks of me? Someone who's just passing the time with any guy until the right one comes along. That I'll screw around until the right screw fits. I wanted to scream at him but of course I haven't lost my mind. So I did what any mature 21 year old will do. I walked out of the restaurant.

As soon as I was in the lobby I almost ran to the lift pressing the buttons manically as if that will make the lift doors close faster. I was finally able to breathe when the doors closed.

I rushed to our suite and slammed the door of my bedroom shut and threw myself on the bed. I was sobbing I didn't even realise that I was already crying on the way here. Why was I crying? I felt betrayed? Misunderstood? It felt unfair that he thinks what, that I'm using him? And I hurt him? That thought hurts me too. That's the last thing I want to do.

He's hurt? Why? Because I like Jimin? Does he..?

I heard a knock on my bedroom door. I buried my face in the pillows and counted to 7.

Click.

I lifted my head up and I see him and an overwhelming feeling came on to me. I was relieved, frustrated and sad at the same time. All I wanted was for him to take me in his embrace and I know it will be all okay. I won't be confused anymore. I wanted to tell him he's wrong and I'm sorry that I hurt him. But words won't come out. All I can do was cry and bury my face again.

He got closer and stroked my hair.

"Talk to me please. I'm confused here."

I ignored him. What do I say? That I like him? Do I? Does he?

"I don't know! Just go!"

He sighed and started to get up but I grabbed his hand.

"No sorry I want you to stay. Just don't talk. Let me think."

"Ok that's good. I'll stay. I won't leave you."