A thousand bad times - Post Malone

Twenty

Holi feels like her life is a mix between heaven and hell.  Hell because every time she opens her eyes it feels like she is dying. Her skin is on fire, ants crawl under her skin, and her stomach swirls. She throws up so much that now there is a permanent bucket by her bedside to catch her sick. Her mind is in a constant state of fog, she can't think straight...nothing makes sense.

Her body is too hot and so she shakes, or her body is too cold and so she shivers. She claws at her neck and face in desperation for something, anything to stop this downward spiral. And she begs, she begs and begs whoever is near her - Austin, the doctor, Ren - "please stop, please don't torture me anymore. I have changed my mind - I want the heroin," she will beg. They will always look at her with pity and shake their heads, only going about their assigned tasks. The doctor to administer her medication and check her vitals, Ren to guard the doors and windows and bring food that Holi just ends up throwing up. Austin to hold her close when she cries or holds her down when she throws a tantrum so she would hurt herself.

But that's where her heaven comes in - Austin. He is always there, keeping close to her. He is patient, kind, and softly spoken. He never gets angry at her or shows any frustration, he cleans her sick, wipes her face, helps her eat, and then wraps her uptight while whispering praise after praise into her ear and on her darkest days, the days she feels like she is dying it's his words that keep her on track. Holi goes in and out of slumber, she does not know how long she has been doing this but it feels like years...it feels never-ending, but Austin is always there.

Then one morning Holi wakes. It feels like someone has opened a valve in her head and the fog has drained out. The world is bright and not so scary anymore. Her body still aches but the ants under her skin are gone, all of them just gone. She still has a dull thud of a need pulsing in the pits on her chest but it's manageable and nothing near the need that blossoms for her to get back home, get back to her Mac and little Bell. Her need for them outweighs everything else.

She is in Austin's arms, he is still sleeping and she takes a moment to watch him. He looks older, not in age but in wisdom. She is not surprised, Austin has learned a lot about her world in this short time. His facial hair that he usually keeps at a stubble has grown into a full beard, his face also looks a little thinner. Holi feels guilty, while he was so busy looking for her and after her, he has stopped looking after himself.

Worry shoots through her - his career. She did not need to worry about Chuck ruining it for him, she seems to have done that herself. She does not know how long this whole mess has been going on but it's way too long not to affect his career. No matter what she does in life she seems to fuck up in some way.

Austin's phone rings from behind him and he sturs so she shuts her eyes and pretends like she is still sleeping. She does not know why she does that; embarrassment maybe? She is not sure if she is ready to face Austin and see the disappointment in his eye when he looks at what she has become. Austin lets go of her with one hand and answers his phone. Her heart leaps into her throat as he talks because it's on speaker and she can hear everything.

"Hello," he says softly, "Hi,  how is she today?" a woman, asks, "OK I think, she is still asleep," he answers, and then Holi feels his fingers in her hair running through softly. "Hang in there, it won't be long now. You will see. We are off to school...they wanted to say hi to you," she says. Austin laughs a little into the phone, "like every morning and every evening? Put them on," he says.

Holi hears Mac first and she has to force herself not to sit up and grab the phone from Austin. "Hey, Austin. How is my mom today?" Mac asks, "getting there. Yesterday was better than the day before...but Mac you know how these things go...it takes time and all I can promise you is that she is trying. She is trying really hard," Austin says and Holi can hear the worry in his voice. He is bad at hiding it and she knows that Mac is only 10 years old but he has grown up on the streets, and he has more knowledge on these things than even Austin. Mac knows how low Holi's chances of coming out the other side unscathed are.