Yellow Raincoat

13 | Panic

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"I can't fake another smile. I can't fake like I'm alright. And I won't say I'm feeling fine. After what I been through, I can't lie"

~ Fake Smile (thank u, next)

MATTHEW

The words had escaped my lips before I could rethink them. I heard Hannah's sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line. Discomfort rose up in my chest and threatened to choke me.

"Everything?" She asked. Her voice was more of a whisper.

I gulped. "Yes. I remember the drinking...her," I let out a soft breath. "I remember you."

"I'm sorry you remember it," she said, sounding sad, "I wish there was something I could do to make it all better for you."

My heart was beating way too fast and I could tell I was sweating through my shirt. I blinked multiple times, trying to get control of myself. I hated talking about that night. It made me want to run away in disgust at myself. But I couldn't run away, because what would be the reason I would give everyone? If I told anyone, who would believe me?

"Matt? Are you still there?" She spoke up when I stayed quiet for too long.

Here in the dimly lit confine of my hotel room, her voice was the only thing that kept me tethered to my sanity. I focused on her soft breathing, willing my heart to calm down. I was safe, I reminded myself. Nothing could get to me here. My door was locked and no alcohol was present to drive me away from consciousness. I nodded. Yes, I was safe.

"Matthew, what's going on?" This time, there was panic and worry in her tone. She was speaking louder, too. "Are you okay?"

That drew me out of my daze and I responded. "Yes, I'm fine."

The panic didn't dissipate from her voice at my reassurance. "Are you sure? You were quiet for a while there."

I sighed. I wanted to tell her so badly, but would she believe it? 

Yes, she would. 

I shook my head. She saved me that night. There was no doubt in her head as to what was happening. She stepped right up and put a stop to it when I was too gone to fight for myself. Yet, the fear that she might turn around and blame me instead persisted, gripping my heart and throat viciously. No, she wouldn't. 

I sighed again. Fuck, because, she still could, too. I couldn't deny the possibility.

"Matt, I'm getting really worried. Are you okay?" she asked again, her pitch much higher than before.

I'm not sure what came over me, but as soon as her sweet voice hit my ears, I couldn't stop the words. It was as though the dam finally broke. "I remember everything, Hannah. Not just from that night, but every other night that it has happened. I don't know who to blame. Is it my fault that while sober I flirt with them, but then end up drinking way too much that I pass out before we can do anything, so they have to have sex with me while I'm not conscious? Or is it their fault? 

"The first time it happened was in freshman year. Our team had won the game that night and I was the goalie at the time, not the captain yet. The other team was a beast, but I stopped a majority of their goals," letting out a wistful breath at the memory, I continued, "That night, we had a huge party. It's too bad I passed out like twenty minutes later and woke up next to a naked woman I didn't recognize. I wasn't with her when I was sober. I was sure. I even asked my friends what I did that night. Turns out I overestimated my alcohol tolerance and drank more than I should've. I passed out on the couch so my friends dragged my ass to my room and left me there by myself. I was out cold.